Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

hard work is relative

Hard Work Is Relative, So Be Compassionate

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

We are a judgmental bunch when it comes to ranking the hard work of others. We look at a very specific set of metrics without considering any background information and start making pronouncements: he is such a hard worker, she is so productive, he is really lazy, she is a total couch potato.

When we see a “high-achieving” person who works ten hours a day to build a business, and still fits in time for exercise, meal prep, meditation, children, etc., we call them a hard worker. And that’s fair … they are working hard.

We look at somebody who’s been home all day on the couch and say “lazy.” But here’s the truth: they might be working just as hard, maybe even harder.

  • “Person A” may be in great mental and physical health with a personality that thrives on staying busy. They may have resources to help them like a nanny or a cleaning service.
  • “Person B” could be suffering from severe depression or a physical disability that makes walking back and forth to the bathroom the hardest task in the world. The act of taking a shower may have felt impossible—and they did it anyway. 

The concept of hard work is relative. What is a person dealing with behind the scenes? What’s going on that we can’t see? What are their thoughts, their feelings? Do they have trauma triggers? Are they in physical pain?

No two humans and their sets of circumstances are ever alike, so comparing exertion and productivity is impossible. 

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Boundaries when caring for a grieving person

Boundaries When Caring For A Grieving Person

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

We recently talked about creating a safe holding space for a grieving loved one. That’s when you carefully see them through their mourning journey by using communication skills that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. 

Those three communication skills are: 

  1. Actively listening without interruption
  2. Validating without the need to fix anything
  3. Reflecting back feelings without adding interpretations

These same communication skills are some of the “basic attending skills” used in counseling to deepen the connection between the therapist and the client. They are meant to encourage clients to safely share their vulnerabilities with the hope that, because there is now a “shared experience” through storytelling, the clients’ emotional burden becomes lighter as time goes on. 

This work is not easy.

That’s why it’s important to consider boundaries when caring for a grieving person.

Being there for someone through what may be their most painful or, depending on the type of loss, the most traumatic time in their life, is extremely hard and is not for everyone.

If this is beyond your capabilities, that is completely fine too. What I feel you do owe the grieving person, however, is that you make a mindful decision about whether or not you are cut out for this type of work. 

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care package for grieving friend

Showing Love with a DIY Care Package For a Grieving Friend

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

When somebody you care about is grieving, it can be difficult to figure out what to do to support them. Try thinking through the love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch.

In a previous blog post , we discussed the idea of providing a safe holding space for the bereaved by using communication skills that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. This counts as words of affirmation, quality time, and perhaps physical touch (a hug, pat on the back, holding their hand, etc.)

This all, of course, is not easy. And there are many reasons why you might not be able to be a main pillar of support for this grieving person. There are plenty of other, more cautious, ways you can show love and support, such as sending a DIY care package to a grieving friend. This counts as acts of service and gifts.

But buying gift baskets online tends to be quite expensive. Moreover, online services do not always offer the best products. When it comes to lotions, soaps, and scented oils, it is extra important to buy only the healthy stuff since their different properties are entering our bodies. Better to buy just one or two high-quality items than many different products that contain bad chemicals. 

These are all the reasons why, when I send gifts to my loved ones who are grieving, I like to put my own package together. 

Items For A DIY Care Package

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say to a grieving person

Do’s and Don’ts—What To Say and Not To Say To a Grieving Person 

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Does this sound familiar? Somebody you care about has just experienced a painful loss. You want to comfort them with your words, but you’re afraid you’ll accidentally say the wrong thing. Or maybe your mind goes blank. You have no idea what to say to a grieving person.

Here are 10 ideas of what to say and what to avoid. These are all real-life examples pulled from both my personal and my clients’ experiences around loss (let’s call the grieving person “Andrea” and the person she lost “Carl”).

10 Things Not To Say To A Grieving Person (& What To Say Instead) 

1. Don’t ask probing questions. Do ask general open-ended questions.

DON’T: “How did Carl die?” Or worse, “How did he take his life?” (when someone died by suicide). 

Just ask a more general question, such as “What happened?” or “How/When/Where did you find out about Carl’s passing?” Then, Andrea can give you as little or as much information as she wants, which may not include the cause of death.

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communication skills for grief

Creating A Safe Holding Space: Communication Skills For Grief

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

When you create a safe holding space for a grieving loved one, you carefully see them through their mourning journey by using communication skills for grief that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. 

Some of these communication skills are: 

1. Actively listening without interruption

2. Validating without the need to fix anything

3. Reflecting back feelings without adding interpretations

These communication skills are some of the “basic attending skills” used in counseling to deepen the connection between the therapist and the client. They are meant to encourage clients to safely share their vulnerabilities with the hope that, because there is now a “shared experience” through storytelling, the clients’ emotional burden becomes lighter as time goes on. 

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parenting with common sense

Parenting With Common Sense That’s Not All That Common

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

I’ve worked with many parents throughout the years and have noticed a common scenario plays out over and over. A child becomes emotionally dysregulated for a variety of reasons. Cue: temper tantrum, meltdown, etc. The parent gets caught up in that emotional spiral and becomes dysregulated too. They then make a choice based on dysregulated emotions instead of doing what they know to be the right decision for the greater good.

Often they are afraid of being the “bad dad” or the “bad mom”–or maybe they’re just feeling too exhausted to do anything but give in. But a parent who is grounded in reality instead of matching a dysregulated child emotion for emotion is being the “good dad” or “good mom.”

I get it. We don’t want to see our babies hurt or uncomfortable. No parent enjoys that. But we all know life does bring hurt and discomfort. It is our job as parents to teach and guide these young ones through hard things. How then do we parent a child who has become emotionally dysregulated without becoming emotionally dysregulated ourselves?

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finding calm

Push Pause: Finding Calm After An Emotional Storm

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Think back to the last time something was really hard for you. Maybe you were stressed out or angry, overwhelmed or sad. Then think about the very next thing you had to do that day. Maybe it was something fun, maybe it wasn’t. Either way, was it easy to switch from swimming in a difficult feeling to crossing off the next item on your to-do list?

Probably not.

After something hard happens (a storm), we need to learn to push pause and find calm. That way we can more easily, and more peacefully, move on to the next activity in our day with awareness and mindfulness.

The way I suggest finding calm is by incorporating a yin activity. Think of yin and yang—the energies we hope to balance in our lives. We associate yin with being, slowing down, deactivating. Yang is associated with doing, quickening, activating. If you’re already at a place of high emotion or distress, going straight into more yang is not going to calm you down even if that activity is fun. But by choosing to focus on yin for a moment, we can find a more neutral zone. Then we can move on with the day.

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yin and the nervous system

The Power of Yin and The Nervous System

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , , ,

Just about everything you’ve done, thought, or felt today has been controlled by your body’s nervous system. Movement, emotions, stress response, healing, sleep, breath, senses, aging, digestion—all happening thanks to this central command center.

Now, think about how many of those factors play into your mental wellbeing! 

Your nervous system is responsible for the “fight or flight” response—one we are all too familiar with in today’s world. Not because many of us ever need to run from a hungry lion, but because of the hectic, high-stress lifestyle that’s become the norm. 

Your nervous system has another function that doesn’t get as much attention as it should: “rest and digest.” This is the calm down. The healing and repairing function. The self-care. Our culture often brushes this side off as unnecessary, or even weak and lazy. 

But if we want a healthy body and mind, we must pay attention to the power of yin and the nervous system.

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yin and yang

About Yin and Yang | Balancing Being and Doing

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , , ,

You’ve no doubt seen the yin/yang symbol before. Maybe in a yoga studio, on a t-shirt, or even tattooed onto the ankle of somebody you know. But do you really know what it means? Let’s dive into the deep meaning of the ancient yin and yang to see how understanding its balance can lead you to a more balanced life.

Yin/Yang: The Basics

The yin/yang symbol is a symbol rooted in Daoism/Taoism, an ancient Chinese philosophy. The yin side is the dark swirl and the yang side is the light swirl. The two swirls combined represent Qi (pronounced CHē). Qi is said to be the source of all creation and to hold all aspects of life, including our life force. 

Boiled down to its essence, yang represents the “doing” parts of life and yin represents the “being” parts of life. 

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cannot have it all

We Cannot Have It All

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , ,

As a society, we’ve created this narrative that if you dream big and work hard, you can have it all. Well, I’m about to pop that bubble. You cannot have it all. At least, not at the same time.

Here’s the truth: nobody can escape the fact that each of us only has 24 hours in the day. 

We also can’t escape the need for sleep. I know our culture glorifies people who “get by” with four hours, but that mindset is killing us. Decades of research connect poor sleep with heart attack, heart failure, increased blood pressure, stroke, diabetes, lowered immune function, obesity, and accidents. Even if poor sleep doesn’t kill you, it wrecks mental health, relationships, and even productivity.

So 7-8 hours of sleep leaves us with 16-17 hours a day to work with. How shall we spend them? What can we do with the time that is left? We can do just about anything except for everything. 

We only have so much emotional bandwidth, so much mental capacity, and so much physical energy. Guess what that means? You cannot do everything and be everything to everyone.

Anybody who sells you the idea that if you were just better at XYZ then you could do all of the things all of the time has no concept of what it means to be human. Knowing limits and setting boundaries around time is not laziness. It’s the only way to live a wholehearted and healthy life.

We must pick and choose. There are times we must sacrifice what we want (or often, what we think we should want) for what we want more. When we fail to do this, we run ourselves ragged, always on the “hamster wheel,” never taking care of ourselves, and not giving our best to others.

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Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕