Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

“Because I Said So”: The Importance of Giving Our Kids Fewer Choices

by Sara Cloostermans on category

I have an inkling that what comes next may be an unpopular opinion, but keep in mind that this is all it is: one opinion. 

It is my opinion that we are giving our young children way too many choices and that we should lay off doing this, giving choices that is, so frequently.

I am not referring to skill-building choices as in the Giving Children Choices parenting blog.

I am also not referring to the number of choices, such as the difference between giving just two or three choices (preferred), or giving more than three choices. Giving too many choices is discouraged because it may lead to “Choice overload: the tendency for people to get overwhelmed when they are presented with a large number of options, often used interchangeably with the term paradox of choice.”

I am referring to the constancy of including our children in the daily decision-making. I’m suggesting we need to reduce that constancy. Read on!

Why Give Fewer Choices? Power, Control, Overwhelm & Structure

Why are we putting our children in a position where they have to make hard choices so early on in their lives and so frequently? Giving choices too often can make our children feel overwhelmed and lead to extreme emotional dysregulation (resulting in unruly behavior).

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Giving Children Choices: A Positive Parenting Skill

by Sara Cloostermans on category

A few weeks ago, I created a list of 7 Positive Parenting Skills and followed that up with 6 More Positive Parenting Skills… I’m back with another! In this skill, like the others, both parent and child are viewed as holistic beings – with valued and respected minds, bodies, and spirits.

Also like the others, “Giving Choices” can be adapted for different parenting stages. A 17-month-old and a 17-year-old can both benefit.

Choices: A Positive Parenting Skill

Giving your children choices is self-explanatory: you give them different options to choose from.

Here are a couple of things to consider:

  • Make sure that you limit the number of choices and adjust them according to your child’s age. The number of choices to give is somewhat arbitrary; just use your common sense. For example, a 2-year-old should only have two choices whereas a 5-year-old may have three choices, and a 16-year-old may even have more than three.
  • Keep the types of choices appropriate. For example, don’t ask your child if they want a little baby sister or brother, or not. This is not a decision you hand over to a kindergartner, and quite possibly, depending on their answer, not a request you are willing to, or sometimes even can, follow through with.

There are two different types of choices. 

Choices Type #1: Possibilities

The first type of choices are the ones you are probably most familiar with – giving 2 or more different possibilities. Neither one is better than the other. You, the parent, have no preference.

Examples:

  • You tell your 2-year-old: “You have two choices: Would you like to have your banana all in one piece or would you like me to cut it into slices?” or “Would you like banana slices or apple slices for snack time?”
  • You tell your 5-year-old: “You have three choices: Would you like to have James, Taylor, or Ryan come over for a playdate after school today?”
  • You tell your 16-year-old: “You have four choices: Do you want your first used car to be a Toyota Corolla, Subaru Outback, Honda CR-V, or Kia Sportage?”

Choices Type #2: Skill-Building

The second type of choices are the ones you are probably less familiar with – giving choices that are used in a somewhat “disciplinary/skill-building” way. In this case, I suggest you, the parent, only give two choices. 

Each one of the two choices is connected to a logical consequence. One choice is better than the other, at least according to you. The key is to not show any judgment if your child chooses the one that you least prefer. 

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demystifying psychotherapy

Demystifying Psychotherapy

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

If you’ve never been to therapy before, the whole experience may feel like being the new kid at school … or the new hire at a well-established company … You don’t know who everybody is, where to go, how things operate, where you should put your bag, or if they’ll be nice to you at lunch.

This blog serves as the sidekick to show you the ropes. We’re demystifying psychotherapy. What therapy is. Who you can see. The types of sessions to expect. The goals.

Here are two things to realize up front:

First off – the taboo nature of going to therapy greatly decreased amid the pandemic – more people from across all demographics are accepting the idea that, just like we should see physical health specialists when we have physical health concerns, we need to see mental health professionals when we have mental health issues.

Next – therapy is for everyone. Not only for people who are on the brink of divorce or people who have experienced trauma or have other forms of mental health concerns. Every single human being benefits from therapy in the same way everyone benefits from checkups at the doctor or regular exercise or a healthy diet. It’s an act of self-care.

What Is Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy is a type of therapy that helps people who are facing mental health challenges improve their overall well-being. By far the most common client complaints therapists come across are clients being impacted by symptoms of depression and/or anxiety (at various levels of severity).

Why Go To Therapy?

Here are some of the most common treatment objectives in psychotherapy:

  • psycho-education (for example, someone experiencing anxiety learning about the sympathetic nervous system, or fight/flight/freeze/fawn response, and the parasympathetic nervous system, aka the rest and digest response)
  • emotional regulation (breathwork meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, validating feelings, compassionate self-care actions, self-soothing talk, etc.)
  • stress reduction and improved coping skills (yoga, journaling, exercise, socializing, calming music, dance, art, nature activities, etc.)
  • trigger identification – ask yourself: “What started or worsened my symptoms?” (incl. trauma triggers with PTSD)
  • behavioral changes (time management, bedtime routine, environmental changes, rewards, etc.)
  • cognitive work (awareness of thinking errors, cognitive restructuring, coherent and constructive narrative of one’s life story)
  • improved communication skills (active listening, paraphrasing, being mindful of non-verbal communication and tone, assertiveness and boundary skills, etc.)

How Do I Choose My Therapist?

Look for someone who is credentialed to provide psychotherapy (and ask them about their clinical expertise):

  • Psychiatrist, M.D. (doctor of medicine who specializes in psychiatry)
    • Can they prescribe medications? – yes
    • Can they administer and interpret psychological testing? – a psychiatrist will refer you to a psychologist for psychological testing and to a neuropsychologist for neuropsychological testing because they are the ones who are expertly trained in these areas
    • Can they teach at college level? – a psychiatrist is more likely to teach students in medical school or psychiatry students doing their psychiatric residency than to teach students in a psychology program; a psychiatrist can also be a guest lecturer on topics such as anatomy or physiology in other health science graduate programs.
  • Licensed Psychologist – Ph.D. or Psy.D. (they are NOT medical doctors, but have a doctorate degree in psychology)
    • Can they prescribe medications? typically not, but in certain states, they are allowed to prescribe psychotropic medications with additional training (not in California)
    • Can they administer and interpret psychological testing? – yes
    • Can they teach at college level? – yes, they can teach students who are obtaining a doctorate degree in psychology as well as master’s degree and undergraduate degree students with a psychology major
  • Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist – LMFT (master’s degree)
  • Licensed Professional (Clinical) Counselors LPCC or LPC – (master’s degree)
  • Licensed Clinical Social Workers, LCSW – (master’s degree)
    • Can they prescribe medications – no
    • Can they administer and interpret psychological testing – no
    • Can they teach at college level? – yes, they can teach students who are obtaining a master’s degree in their same field as well as undergraduate degree students with the same major (marriage and family therapy, social work, and counseling respectively)

FYI – a life coach has no formal education in psychology and is not licensed to practice psychotherapy.

Look for some of or all of these 10 traits when screening different therapists during your initial phone call or your first/intake session:

What Are The Different Formats Of Therapy?

There are four different formats of psychotherapy (individual, group, couples, and family) and each format has several different approaches (aka orientations, theories, or schools of thought) to therapy – with each format, I am adding a list of five different approaches to therapy, but the number of approaches listed below is not exhaustive. Keep in mind that the same therapy approach can be used in some or all of the different formats.

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6 More Positive Parenting Skills For Parents To Incorporate Today

by Sara Cloostermans on category

In my last blog “7 Positive Parenting Skills,” I shared a few skills that not only help teach and guide children, but that do so in a way that preserves and strengthens the parent-child bond. Both parent and child are viewed as holistic beings – with valued minds, bodies, and spirits.

I’m back with 6 more!

All of these gentle skills can be adapted for different parenting stages. A 17-month-old and a 17-year-old can both benefit from a parenting approach that includes, for instance, when/then statements and calming techniques.

For each positive parenting skill, you will learn its meaning and goal. I will also give you an example or two, so you can more easily understand how to use the 6 additional skills in your regular day-to-day life.

1. When/Then Statements

When/Then Definition

When you use a when/then statement with your child, you let them know the chronological and logical order in which things will happen based on the choices they make. 

It is imperative that parents bring the reality of how things work outside in the big world into their family home: give your child a chance to learn that there are specific outcomes attached to some of the choices they make. Do so within the safety of your home. What better place to practice is there?

When/Then Examples

#1: Your child has not done any of their chores even though you reminded them several times earlier in the day. Now they ask you to drop them off at their best friend’s house where they have been invited for a playdate. You say: “Sure honey, when your bed is made and your legos and artwork are cleaned up, then I will gladly drive you to Charlie’s for your playdate.

#2: Your child says: “I’m thirsty” or “Mommy, can you get me my milk?” You say: “Of course, sweetie, when you ask me politely and use the magic word, then I will absolutely pour you a glass of milk.”

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positive parenting skills

7 Positive Parenting Skills For Parents To Incorporate Today

by Sara Cloostermans on category

Over the next weeks, we will be diving into positive parenting skills that not only help teach and guide your children, but that do so in a way that preserves and strengthens your parent-child bond. Both parent and child are viewed as holistic beings – with valued and respected minds, bodies, and spirits.

All of these gentle skills can be adapted for different parenting stages. A 17-month-old and a 17-year-old can both benefit from a parenting approach that includes, for instance, positive language and limit setting.

For each positive parenting skill, you will learn the meaning and goals. I will also make sure to add an example or two, so it is clear how these skills can be applied in regular day-to-day life.

1. Positive Language

From “A Therapist’s Advice 55-Card Healing Deck”
For sale on Amazon soon!

Positive Language Definition

Omit negative language when raising your children. Avoid the words “no, don’t, stop, quit, not.” This does not only refer to negative criticism, but also to simple commands. As much as possible, use positive language instead, including when discipling your children. The one exception is when safety is a concern.

Positive Language Examples

  • “Don’t run in the house!” becomes “You can run outside, or you can walk in the house.”
  • “Stop throwing your food!” becomes “Keep your food on your plate, please!”
  • “You are not spending all weekend in bed!” becomes “I’d love for you to rest up this weekend as well as join us outside for family time!”

Positive Language Goal

Positive language changes our brain. Not just our children’s brains, but ours too. However, there is a lot more plasticity in our children’s brains than in ours. When children are young, from birth on, neural pathways are being built at lightning speed.

Imagine how different those neural pathways in the brain look if they developed based on positive and loving language that builds connection compared to negative, or worse, critical language, which feels like rejection, and leads to disengagement, insecurity and loneliness?

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How To Be More Generous

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Here are two things people often get wrong when it comes to generosity:

  • Myth #1: Generosity is all about money
  • Myth #2: Generosity is a trait of the well-resourced only

The truth is generosity can of course relate to money, but it is also about acts of service, time, and attention.

Furthermore, generosity is an attitude, a personality trait. It is more about your relationship with money, with your career, and with time and attention than it is about the amount of money you make, your daily to-do list, and the amount of time and attention you have available. It is about what you value and what you prioritize.

Just like we have a relationship with people, we have a relationship with concepts as well. Not only with concepts such as our money, the action items on our agenda, and our time and attention, but also with many other concepts, such as food, alcohol, exercise, social media, and so on.

  • Are your relationships with your money, your to-do list, and your time healthy or unhealthy?
  • In other words, do you have a healthy attachment or an unhealthy attachment to these 3 concepts?
  • Are you securely attached or are you anxiously attached to your money, your to-do list, and your time available?

Let’s break down these forms of generosity and some common blocks people have from fully stepping into a generous spirit.

Financial Generosity

It is not because someone has more money that they are more generous with their money. More resources does not automatically mean more generosity. For example, just because somebody has a lot of extra time does not necessarily mean they exercise more than somebody who is often crunched for time.

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PRIDE skills

PRIDE Skills: Strengthening the Parent/Child Bond

by Sara Cloostermans on category

Last week, we discussed Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), a type of therapy that can help strengthen the bond between parent and child. Though originally created to use in a therapy setting with parents and their children with severe behavior problems or trauma, many of the skills taught in PCIT are incredibly helpful for any parent of any child.

Let’s start with the PCIT “PRIDE skills.”

PRIDE Skills

In the first phase of PCIT, the child directs the play. The parent follows their child’s lead and along the way uses “PRIDE skills,” a series of positive parenting techniques that make the child feel seen, heard, accepted, and valued.

The acronym PRIDE stands for:

  • Praise
  • Reflect
  • Imitate
  • Describe
  • Enjoy

Let’s take a closer look at how to implement these simple skills and at the goals behind them.

1. PRAISE 

PRIDE Skills

When you praise your child, you show approval of something they are doing or saying. There are two types of praises: unlabeled and labeled. Unlabeled praises are general, and labeled praises (preferred) are specific praises.

Examples of unlabeled praises:

  • Thank you! 
  • Great work! 
  • Nice job!

Examples of labeled praises:

  • Thank you for setting the table. 
  • Great work making your bed. 
  • Nice job helping your sister with her math homework.

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parent child interaction therapy

What Is Parent-Child Interaction Therapy?

by Sara Cloostermans on category

For the next few months, I will be writing about different parenting approaches and techniques. Today we’ll begin with Parent-Child Interaction Therapy – a treatment modality first introduced in the 1970s by Sheila Eyberg, Psychologist, and revised several times ever since. PCIT is a user-friendly and effective method for strengthening the bond between parent and child.

At this point in my career, I help my adult clients with their parenting challenges, if that happens to be one of their treatment goals, but I no longer work with children directly.

At the beginning of my therapy career, however, when I was an associate marriage and family therapist at a non-profit child abuse prevention and treatment agency, most of my caseload consisted of children. Whenever I had the chance, and if the grant funding source allowed it, I would also include their parents in our session. This was usually the child’s mother (or foster mother), and sometimes (but rarely) their father.

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life is unfair

The Duality of Life: Finding Empathy and Meaning When Life Is Unfair

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , ,

Around this little corner of the internet, we often discuss the yin and yang of life. The light and the dark. The joy and the pain. The go-go-go and the slow down. We’ve seen how these yin and yang forces are more complementary than opposing. 

This same concept brings us to a reality of humanness—the duality of life, I call it—which can look like this:

The worst day for someone can be the best day for someone else.

  • One family loses their dream house due to a foreclosure. That house goes on the market and becomes another family’s dream house they otherwise couldn’t have afforded.
  • One man dies and his heart is donated; one man lives because of that donated heart.
  • One woman places her baby for adoption; another woman is finally able to have a baby because of the first woman’s adoption placement choice.

Throughout our lives, we will be on both sides of this equation. Sometimes the “unfairness” of life tips in our favor, and sometimes it leaves us crushed and devastated.

Either way, how we respond to these scenarios is how we grow, how we step into our full humanity, and how we gain valuable skills like empathy and resilience.

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meridians and koshas

What Are Meridians and Koshas?

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

If you cut your finger with a knife while preparing dinner, we say you have a wound. If the love of your life leaves you for somebody else, we also say you’ve been wounded even if, physically, you are seemingly left unaffected.

Why is that?

Well, when it comes to human life experiences, including feelings of pain, we clearly all have a fundamental understanding of their effect on our human body. But, it seems that we also have a sense that there is something more, something beyond our anatomy.

Similarly, we know that if we are deeply grieving the loss of the love of our life, our physical body may start showing symptoms of illness and conditions, such as joint pain, headaches, digestive issues, etc.

Even though we can easily acknowledge the basic concept that wounds can be experienced not only at a physical level, but also at an energetic level, it can be difficult to gain a deeper understanding of the idea that we are “whole” beings with a mind-body-soul connection.

Thankfully, there are guides available to help us gain knowledge and insight. One of the most popular teachings is the spiritual concept of the 7 major chakras. If you are unfamiliar with the chakra system, I go more in-depth in this blog post here.

The chakra theory is not the only one that explains the different energy channels or the mind-body-soul connection; there is also the theory of meridians and koshas. Let’s take a closer look!

What Are Meridians?

The concept of meridians comes from Chinese Medicine.

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Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
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