Family | Parenting

A few weeks ago, I created a list of 7 Positive Parenting Skills and followed that up with 6 More Positive Parenting Skills… I’m back with another! In this skill, like the others, both parent and child are viewed as holistic beings – with valued and respected minds, bodies, and spirits.

Also like the others, “Giving Choices” can be adapted for different parenting stages. A 17-month-old and a 17-year-old can both benefit.

Choices: A Positive Parenting Skill

Giving your children choices is self-explanatory: you give them different options to choose from.

Here are a couple of things to consider:

• Make sure that you limit the number of choices and adjust them according to your child’s age. The number of choices to give is somewhat arbitrary; just use your common sense. For example, a 2-year-old should only have two choices whereas a 5-year-old may have three choices, and a 16-year-old may even have more than three.

• Keep the types of choices appropriate. For example, don’t ask your child if they want a little baby sister or brother, or not. This is not a decision you hand over to a kindergartner, and quite possibly, depending on their answer, not a request you are willing to, or sometimes even can, follow through with.

There are two different types of choices. 

Choices Type #1: Possibilities

The first type of choices are the ones you are probably most familiar with – giving 2 or more different possibilities. Neither one is better than the other. You, the parent, have no preference.

Examples:

• You tell your 2-year-old: “You have two choices: Would you like to have your banana all in one piece or would you like me to cut it into slices?” or “Would you like banana slices or apple slices for snack time?”
• You tell your 5-year-old: “You have three choices: Would you like to have James, Taylor, or Ryan come over for a playdate after school today?”
• You tell your 16-year-old: “You have four choices: Do you want your first used car to be a Toyota Corolla, Subaru Outback, Honda CR-V, or Kia Sportage?”

Choices Type #2: Skill-Building

The second type of choices are the ones you are probably less familiar with – giving choices that are used in a somewhat “disciplinary/skill-building” way. In this case, I suggest you, the parent, only give two choices. 

Each one of the two choices is connected to a logical consequence. One choice is better than the other, at least according to you. The key is to not show any judgment if your child chooses the one that you least prefer. 

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Read On

Over the next weeks, we will be diving into positive parenting skills that not only help teach and guide your children, but that do so in a way that preserves and strengthens your parent-child bond. Both parent and child are viewed as holistic beings – with valued and respected minds, bodies, and spirits.

All of these gentle skills can be adapted for different parenting stages. A 17-month-old and a 17-year-old can both benefit from a parenting approach that includes, for instance, positive language and limit setting.

For each positive parenting skill, you will learn the meaning and goals. I will also make sure to add an example or two, so it is clear how these skills can be applied in regular day-to-day life.

1. Positive Language

From “A Therapist’s Advice 55-Card Healing Deck”
For sale on Amazon soon!

Positive Language Definition

Omit negative language when raising your children. Avoid the words “no, don’t, stop, quit, not.” This does not only refer to negative criticism, but also to simple commands. As much as possible, use positive language instead, including when discipling your children. The one exception is when safety is a concern.

Positive Language Examples

• “Don’t run in the house!” becomes “You can run outside, or you can walk in the house.”
• “Stop throwing your food!” becomes “Keep your food on your plate, please!”
• “You are not spending all weekend in bed!” becomes “I’d love for you to rest up this weekend as well as join us outside for family time!”

Positive Language Goal

Positive language changes our brain. Not just our children’s brains, but ours too. However, there is a lot more plasticity in our children’s brains than in ours. When children are young, from birth on, neural pathways are being built at lightning speed.

Imagine how different those neural pathways in the brain look if they developed based on positive and loving language that builds connection compared to negative, or worse, critical language, which feels like rejection, and leads to disengagement, insecurity and loneliness?

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Read On

For the next few months, I will be writing about different parenting approaches and techniques. Today we’ll begin with Parent-Child Interaction Therapy – a treatment modality first introduced in the 1970s by Sheila Eyberg, Psychologist, and revised several times ever since. PCIT is a user-friendly and effective method for strengthening the bond between parent and child.

At this point in my career, I help my adult clients with their parenting challenges, if that happens to be one of their treatment goals, but I no longer work with children directly.

At the beginning of my therapy career, however, when I was an associate marriage and family therapist at a non-profit child abuse prevention and treatment agency, most of my caseload consisted of children. Whenever I had the chance, and if the grant funding source allowed it, I would also include their parents in our session. This was usually the child’s mother (or foster mother), and sometimes (but rarely) their father.

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Read On