Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

Relationships | Communication

The Autonomic Survival Architecture: Mapping the Matrix to Lasting Regulation

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , ,

Part 1 of 3 — introducing a new way to map what your nervous system is doing, and why

The Problem With “Just Think Positive”

Have you ever known you were safe, but your body just… wouldn’t get the memo? Your heart’s racing during a normal conversation. You go numb during an argument that isn’t even that big a deal. You catch yourself over-apologizing to someone who has power over you, even though nothing is wrong right now.

That’s not you being dramatic, broken, or “too sensitive.” Your body learned, at some point, that this reaction kept you safe. And bodies don’t let go of a survival strategy just because your logical brain says, “we’re fine now.” You can’t think your way out of a nervous system response. You have to help your body feel safe, from the inside.

To do that, it helps to know what’s happening inside you, and why. That’s what this whole series is about.

The Old Map: A Ladder

For years, the go-to way to explain this was something called the Polyvagal Ladder, developed by therapist Deb Dana based on Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory. Picture a ladder with three rungs:

  • Top rung: calm and connected — you feel safe, present, able to think clearly
  • Middle rung: fight-or-flight — your body’s revved up, ready to defend itself or run
  • Bottom rung: shutdown — you go numb, foggy, or collapse inward

It’s a helpful starting point. But real life doesn’t move up and down a straight ladder. You can feel three things at once. You can look calm on the outside while your insides are a mess. A ladder can’t capture that.

A Better Map: Overlapping Circles

The field’s next attempt was a Venn diagram: three overlapping circles (Relaxed, Mobilized, and Immobilized) where the overlaps represent blended states, like feeling playful (a mix of calm and energized) or freezing (a mix of energized and shut down).

This is closer to the truth; our states do blend. But it’s still missing something: there’s no sense of direction. If you’re standing in one of those overlaps, which way is “more dangerous”? Which way is “back to calm”? The circles don’t tell you.

My Map: A Compass, Not a Portrait

That gap is why I created the Autonomic Survival Matrix (ASM): a grid with two directions you can track in real time:

  • Left to right: how much danger your body senses, from safe on the left to high alert on the right
  • Bottom to top: how much energy your body is spending, from resting and recovering at the bottom to fully fired up at the top

Every state you can be in — calm, people-pleasing, panicked, frozen, shut down — has a spot on this grid. And because it’s a grid, not just a list, you can see where you are right now and which direction leads back to feeling okay.

© 2026 Sara Cloostermans. Reproduction or adaptation requires written permission.

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Your Self-Love Is the Ceiling for the Depth of Love You Can Absorb from Others

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

The old saying that you can only love others as deeply as you love yourself is a myth. So many of us love our partners or children at a fierce 10 out of 10 while our own self-love sits at a stagnant three.

That is because giving love and absorbing love require two distinct felt senses, traveling on different emotional channels. Anyone can have gestures of devotion poured into their life externally, but your nervous system cannot genuinely feel that tenderness until you allow it internally.

The Container and the Ceiling

Think of your self-worth as a container. Your self-love dictates your holding capacity; you can only hold as much love as your nervous system feels safe enough to tolerate. You cannot absorb a magnitude of devotion that you haven’t first practiced feeling, tolerating, and holding for yourself.

So, when someone tries to love you at a perfect 10, it will still only register as a three inside your own skin. If your self-love rests at a three, you lack the internal capacity to process a 10. When someone pours high-level love into your life, your system automatically strains it down. It filters out the excess intensity because it feels unfamiliar, and to an unhealed nervous system, the unfamiliar feels dangerous.

You have spent a lifetime practicing how to project love outward, turning yourself into a master caretaker for everyone else while leaving your own internal vessel offline.

It is the exhausting cycle of the master caretaker that brings so many of us to a necessary, radical breaking point—the moment we finally look outward and say:

“I am fine with loving people more than they love me, but I am done loving people more than myself.”

Why Your Capacity Dictates Your Perception

Your capacity dictates your perception. Think of your nervous system as the biological hardware and your conscious mind as the software. You cannot run a high-volume program on an outdated system.

To picture exactly how this biological hardware limit works in real life, imagine your heart is like a cup:

  • The Pouring: Imagine everyone who loves you is pouring water into your cup. Your partner pours a whole pitcher. Your kids pour a whole pitcher. That is a massive volume of water.
  • The Spill: If your cup is physically tiny, it can only hold a tiny bit. All the rest spills over the sides and wastes away. It is not that people aren’t pouring; your cup just lacks the surface area to hold what they are giving you.
  • The Growth: Self-love is what makes your cup bigger. When you are kind to yourself, your cup expands. A bigger cup holds more water.

Why does the love spill? Because a tiny cup is not biologically wired to hold that much volume. When a big rush of love comes in, your subconscious reads it as weird, unfamiliar, and scary.

This automatic deflection happens because your nervous system features a built-in survival radar called neuroception. Long before your thinking brain can analyze an interaction, your body scans your environment for safety. To a primitive brain, familiarity equals safety—even if that familiarity is an absence of love. When an intense, high-quality wave of devotion pours in, your neuroception flags the unfamiliar volume as a threat. Your body reflexively pushes it away without you ever consciously deciding to do so.

It is like how a pitch-black room hurts your eyes when someone flips on bright lights. The light is not inherently bad, but your eyes reflexively squint and shut because they aren’t adapted to it yet. Your body isn’t rejecting your family; it is rejecting the overwhelming sensory shock of an unmapped emotional intensity and volume.

We don’t feel love as it is; we feel love as we are.

Love is given in one measure, but absorbed in another; your self-love is the ceiling for both quality and quantity. Until you stretch your internal container through self-care, you remain functionally constrained in your ability to experience the depth of love surrounding you. If you don’t appreciate the art within your own soul, you will never recognize that you are a masterpiece, too.

How this Shows Up in Real Life

Consider how this biological filter manifests in your daily relationships. When a safe, loving partner offers you genuine adoration, a low internal capacity will instantly trigger a subtle wave of panic. Because your system reads the unfamiliar warmth as an overload, your conscious mind steps in to invent a logical reason for the discomfort.

You begin to cross-examine their motives. You ask yourself:

  • “What do they actually want from me?”
  • “When is the other shoe going to drop?”

You might even pick an unnecessary fight or pull away entirely. You aren’t doing this because your partner is unsafe; you are doing it because your biological software is working overtime to force reality back down into your historical comfort zone.

Stretching Your Internal Container

Prioritizing self-love isn’t selfish. It is a slow, daily practice of self-compassion and self-loyalty that gradually stretches your container from a three to a 10.

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Beyond Attachment Styles: Which “Guard” is Protecting Your Heart?

by Sara Cloostermans on category

In the world of psychology, we often talk about attachment styles. But clinical terms like Secure, Anxious, Dismissive, or Fearful can feel like rigid labels rather than lived experiences. To understand how we navigate the highs and lows of intimacy, it is more helpful to look at our Emotional Guard Types—the internal security systems we’ve spent a lifetime perfecting.

Think of your Guard as your heart’s personal bodyguard. This defensive system was likely “hired” long ago, often in the formative years of childhood, to protect you from being hurt. But here is the catch: a guard that was necessary for your survival in the past may be sabotaging your intimacy in the present. By identifying your specific Guard Type, you can move from a state of reactive defense to a place of intentional connection.

The Guard Framework

Your Guard isn’t just a label; it’s the operating system for how (and who) you love. To identify which system is currently running your relational map, explore the framework below. As you read, notice which motto resonates with your inner monologue where the stakes get high and intimacy deepens.

Category1. The Safe Guard2. The Heli- Guard3. The Wary Guard4. The Torn GuardMotto“You are safe, and I am safe.”“If I don’t stay close, you will leave.”“I don’t need anyone; I’m better off alone.”“I want to be close, but I’ll push you away before you hurt me.”Internal ViewPositive Self / Positive OthersNegative Self / Positive OthersPositive Self / Negative OthersNegative Self / Negative OthersAttachment StyleSecureAnxious-PreoccupiedDismissive-AvoidantFearful-AvoidantBoundariesFlexible | HealthyDiffused | EnmeshedRigid | DistantSwings: Diffused to RigidDependencyInterdependentCodependent(Hyper-) IndependentSwings: Codependent to Hyper-IndependentRegulationCo-RegulationProjection-RegulationSelf-RegulationSwings: Projection- to Self-RegulationStress ResponseSafe | SocialFight | FawnFlight | FreezeSwings: Fight/Fawn to Flight/FreezeCommunicationDirect | AssertiveAggressive | Passive-AggressivePassive | Passive-AggressiveChaotic |
Mixed SignalsConflict RoleThe AnchorThe PursuerThe WithdrawerThe Push-PullThe 4 Emotional Guard Types and Their 9 Categories…

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The “Brave New We”: Why Proximity Isn’t Enough

by Sara Cloostermans on category

We use the same term—“Secure Attachment“—to describe a toddler’s survival-based bond with their caregiver and the chosen bond between two adults building a life together. But should we?

In my clinical practice, I’ve observed a profound shift in how couples define “security.” My clients are no longer satisfied with a relationship that is just safe and stable. They are looking for a bond where they don’t have to leave parts of themselves at the door. They are moving from a model of relational survival to one of relational self-actualization.

They want an “Authentic Attachment.”

The Childhood Trade-Off: Attachment vs. Authenticity

As physician and author Gabor Maté explores in his work on developmental trauma, attachment is non-negotiable for a child. Because a child cannot survive alone, their brain is hardwired to prioritize connection with their caregiver above all else, including their own authenticity.

If a child learns that expressing anger or sadness leads to a parent pulling away, giving the silent treatment, or exploding, the child will gladly suffocate their own voice just to keep the caregiver emotionally close. This is a brilliant adaptive strategy for a five-year-old, but it can create a maladaptive blueprint for adulthood. We learn that to be loved, we must adapt; to be safe, we must hide our “unacceptable” traits.

The Adult Shift: Why Adult Love is Different

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From “Anxious” or “Avoidant” to “Anchored”: Navigating the 4 Attachment Styles

by Sara Cloostermans on category

Why do some of us lean into intimacy while others feel a reflexive urge to pull away the moment things get “serious”? We often mistake these recurring relationship patterns for fixed personality traits or inherent flaws. However, these behaviors are rarely hardwired; they are adaptive strategies developed from birth to help us navigate our earliest and most vital connections.

According to Attachment Theory, the bond formed with primary caregivers in infancy creates a subconscious relational map. This “blueprint” dictates how we negotiate the delicate balance between connection and independence for the rest of our lives.

The good news? Your blueprint isn’t permanent; it is remarkably fluid.

This table illustrates the direct link between childhood experiences and adult attachment patterns, tracing how early interactions with caregivers establish a lifelong foundation for how we view our own worth and the reliability of others. By comprehending these connections, you can begin to shift from reactive reflexes toward a more intentional, secure way of loving—ultimately shaping your behavior in adult intimacy and independence.

The Four Attachment Styles

TypeChildhood StyleExplanation (Parent-Child)Adult StyleExplanation (Adult Relationships)SECURESecureChildren feel safe; depend on caregivers as a “secure base.”Secure
(The Anchor)Comfortable with intimacy and independence; trusting.INSECUREAnxious-AmbivalentCaregivers are inconsistent; children become clingy or distressed.Anxious-Preoccupied (The Pursuer)Crave extreme closeness; worry about being abandoned.INSECUREAnxious-AvoidantCaregivers are distant; children suppress needs and avoid comfort.Dismissive-Avoidant
(The Distancer)Prioritize self-reliance; feel “smothered” by closeness.INSECUREDisorganizedCaregivers are a source of fear; children become confused or erratic.Fearful-Avoidant (The Push-Pull)Desire closeness but fear pain; unpredictable patterns.…

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I Get You & I Got You: The Two Promises of Authentic Attachment

by Sara Cloostermans on category

In early 2022, I launched a mission to challenge our relentless “hustle culture.” Under the social media handle @yield2yin, I began sharing a philosophy of self-care that goes deeper than the typical mind-body techniques we often reach for, such as talk therapy, mineral baths, or EFT tapping.

Building upon these restorative rituals, I focused on heart-soul practices instead: tools designed to help individuals reconnect with themselves at a more profound level. I introduced my audience to “bottom-up approaches” like sacred creativity, silent meditation, and yin yoga.

These methods require us to drop into our bodies, moving beyond the analytical brain to speak directly to the nervous system. The goal was simple: to help people rediscover healing, growth, and purpose amidst the noise of the modern world.

Example

Your turn

But after four years of listening to my audience, I discovered a hard truth: even the deepest self-care isn’t enough when your relationship is suffering. There is a profound need for more than personal balance; people aren’t only looking for inner peace—they are desperate for genuine connection and the tools to heal their romantic lives.

I realized then that inner work and relationship work are inseparable. The good news? You don’t have to “fix” yourself before finding love; they can—and should—happen simultaneously. This insight became the core of my recently completed manuscript: The H-E-A-R-T Work: Harmonizing Authenticity and Romantic Love through Hard, Engaged, Authentic, Reflective Talks.

The Message That Resonated

One post, “I get you & I got you,” resonated so deeply it garnered over a million views and 100,000+ pins on Pinterest. One follower even chose to use my poem in her wedding vows:

Witness & Protector

The resonance of this message is clear: People need more than just companionship; they are looking for a witness who is also a protector. We all want to be seen, and we all want to be safe.

In my manuscript, I define this as Authentic Attachment—a resilient bond built on these two fundamental promises: “I get you” and “I got you.”

To say “I get you” is to respect your partner’s authentic self by truly seeing their world and validating their feelings without trying to “fix” them. To say “I got you” is to provide the secure base necessary for deep attachment—an unwavering commitment to be their safe place through life’s inevitable storms.

When we prioritize this emotional safety, we unlock the door to true vulnerability. I also call this “Protect to Connect”. When you can truthfully offer both protection and connection, you aren’t just maintaining a relationship; you are cultivating a profound, unbreakable tie that transcends the noise of the world.

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The 3 Rs in Relationships and 10 Fair Fighting Rules

by Sara Cloostermans on category

Here’s a little secret I have discovered in my 20 years of being a therapist (as well as in my personal life:) everyone fights. Everyone.

The mark of a healthy relationship isn’t the absence of disagreement or conflict. The mark of a healthy relationship is handling disagreement and conflict well. Approaching it as a team. Fighting fairly. Focusing on repairing what has been ruptured. Apologizing and accepting apologies.

Do you want your relationship to reach the point where you can confidently say that you’re fighting PRODUCTIVELY instead of DESTRUCTIVELY? If so, take a look at the following two steps:

Step 1: Understand the 3 Rs.

Step 2: Memorize the 10 Fair Fighting Rules.

What Are The 3 Rs in Relationships?

The 3 Rs in relationships are:

  1. RUPTURE
  2. RECOVERY
  3. REPAIR

1. What is a relationship rupture after a fight?

A rupture is a conflict or a break in connection between people.

The “size” (small or large) of the rupture depends on the intensity, frequency, and duration of your fights:

  • Intensity: how intense are your fights?
    • healthy or small disagreements, or “spats”
    • normal or regular arguments 
    • toxic or big “blow-ups,” incl. the “explosion” (aggressive) stage in the cycle of violence
    • anywhere in between
  • Frequency: how often do you fight?
    • one-time
    • regularly 
    • constantly
    • anywhere in between
  • Duration: how long do your fights typically last?
    • minutes
    • hours
    • days
    • anywhere in between

2. What is recovery after a relationship rupture?

Recovery is the length of time it takes people to “bounce back” after a rupture. The larger the rupture, the longer it may take to recover.

  • How long does it take you to become emotionally regulated again?
  • How long does it take you to process and integrate what occurred?
  • How long does it take you to create a narrative of what happened that you can move forward with?
  • How long does it take you to “forgive and forget”? 
  • How long does it take you to be able to transition from recovery to repair?

3. What is repair after a relationship recovery?

Relationship repair is restoring harmony or connection after recovery. The larger the rupture and the slower the recovery, the harder it may be to repair.

How to repair? 

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toxic gossip

Toxic Gossip: Why We Need To Give It Up For Good

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Co-worker gossip, family gossip, friend group gossip, school pick-up gossip, celebrity gossip, church gossip, neighborhood gossip—there’s a whole platter of “you’ll never believe what they did” to choose from. 

At some point, we all have ingested, participated in, or even instigated gossip—some of us more than others, but no one is guilt-free.

We do it even though we know we shouldn’t do it, right?

After all, gossip is all about taking someone down who cannot defend themselves. It’s one-sided. This means it’s easy, and in the moment, can feel harmless. Yet, at worst, gossip can ruin somebody’s life. Even at its best, nothing good ever comes of it. The passive communication method means there is no growth, no real solution. The same story is just repeated while nothing changes.

Why then do we do it?

Social scientist and researcher Brené Brown suggests we gossip in order to “hotwire connection.” It’s a quick and easy way to feel like we have made an instant bond with a person or group we want to connect with. It almost feels like we are being vulnerable, but actually, we are exploiting others by using their vulnerabilities, so we can feel better than them and better about ourselves.

How do we quit?

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boundaries

Respecting The V: A Boundaries Tool

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Figuring out boundaries can be hard. We know we need them, but our inner monologue is confusing: How much is enough? How much is too much? Where do I start? What if it leads to missed opportunities? What if I hurt somebody’s feelings in the process? 

Learning simple tools or skills along the way can make creating and maintaining boundaries easier. One tool to add to your toolbox is something I like to call “Respecting The V.” It’s especially great for those who like a good visual.

“Respecting The V” is simple. Think about a V shape. The bottom of a V is closed, the two lines touch completely and there is no space between them. As you go up the V, the two lines slowly and evenly open up.

That model is a great way to begin and evolve your boundaries. You start with the teeniest tiniest amount of openness. As time goes on and the other person or institution earns your trust, you can start moving up the V, adding more space and flexibility.

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vulnerable with someone

How To Know If It’s Safe To Be Vulnerable With Someone or Not

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

There’s a lot of discussion on how to be vulnerable and why to be vulnerable, but an equally important conversation is who to be vulnerable with. The key to vulnerability doesn’t rest in showing every person you come in contact with your authentic, fully exposed thoughts and emotions. 

None of us would let just anybody hold our baby, or house-sit, or have access to passwords or accounts. Why then would we hand over our most sacred and deeply personal feelings, experiences, traumas, grief, or even hopes and dreams to people who have not gained our trust?

“Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure, and it’s not celebrity-style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.”

Brené Brown

On the surface level, it seems that it would be easy to pinpoint who to be vulnerable with. But in real life, the idea can turn gray. People like spouses, parents, siblings, and long-time “best” friends are not always the automatically safe people we want them to be. So who is safe to be vulnerable with?

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Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕