Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

The “Brave New We”: Why Proximity Isn’t Enough

by Sara Cloostermans on category

We use the same term—“Secure Attachment“—to describe a toddler’s survival-based bond with their caregiver and the chosen bond between two adults building a life together. But should we?

In my clinical practice, I’ve observed a profound shift in how couples define “security.” My clients are no longer satisfied with a relationship that is just safe and stable. They are looking for a bond where they don’t have to leave parts of themselves at the door. They are moving from a model of relational survival to one of relational self-actualization.

They want an “Authentic Attachment.”

The Childhood Trade-Off: Attachment vs. Authenticity

As physician and author Gabor Maté explores in his work on developmental trauma, attachment is non-negotiable for a child. Because a child cannot survive alone, their brain is hardwired to prioritize connection with their caregiver above all else, including their own authenticity.

If a child learns that expressing anger or sadness leads to a parent pulling away, giving the silent treatment, or exploding, the child will gladly suffocate their own voice just to keep the caregiver emotionally close. This is a brilliant adaptive strategy for a five-year-old, but it can create a maladaptive blueprint for adulthood. We learn that to be loved, we must adapt; to be safe, we must hide our “unacceptable” traits.

The Adult Shift: Why Adult Love is Different

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From “Anxious” or “Avoidant” to “Anchored”: Navigating the 4 Attachment Styles

by Sara Cloostermans on category

Why do some of us lean into intimacy while others feel a reflexive urge to pull away the moment things get “serious”? We often mistake these recurring relationship patterns for fixed personality traits or inherent flaws. However, these behaviors are rarely hardwired; they are adaptive strategies developed from birth to help us navigate our earliest and most vital connections.

According to Attachment Theory, the bond formed with primary caregivers in infancy creates a subconscious relational map. This “blueprint” dictates how we negotiate the delicate balance between connection and independence for the rest of our lives.

The good news? Your blueprint isn’t permanent; it is remarkably fluid.

This table illustrates the direct link between childhood experiences and adult attachment patterns, tracing how early interactions with caregivers establish a lifelong foundation for how we view our own worth and the reliability of others. By comprehending these connections, you can begin to shift from reactive reflexes toward a more intentional, secure way of loving—ultimately shaping your behavior in adult intimacy and independence.

The Four Attachment Styles

TypeChildhood StyleExplanation (Parent-Child)Adult StyleExplanation (Adult Relationships)SECURESecureChildren feel safe; depend on caregivers as a “secure base.”Secure
(The Anchor)Comfortable with intimacy and independence; trusting.INSECUREAnxious-AmbivalentCaregivers are inconsistent; children become clingy or distressed.Anxious-Preoccupied (The Pursuer)Crave extreme closeness; worry about being abandoned.INSECUREAnxious-AvoidantCaregivers are distant; children suppress needs and avoid comfort.Dismissive-Avoidant
(The Distancer)Prioritize self-reliance; feel “smothered” by closeness.INSECUREDisorganizedCaregivers are a source of fear; children become confused or erratic.Fearful-Avoidant (The Push-Pull)Desire closeness but fear pain; unpredictable patterns.…

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I Get You & I Got You: The Two Promises of Authentic Attachment

by Sara Cloostermans on category

In early 2022, I launched a mission to challenge our relentless “hustle culture.” Under the social media handle @yield2yin, I began sharing a philosophy of self-care that goes deeper than the typical mind-body techniques we often reach for, such as talk therapy, mineral baths, or EFT tapping.

Building upon these restorative rituals, I focused on heart-soul practices instead: tools designed to help individuals reconnect with themselves at a more profound level. I introduced my audience to “bottom-up approaches” like sacred creativity, silent meditation, and yin yoga.

These methods require us to drop into our bodies, moving beyond the analytical brain to speak directly to the nervous system. The goal was simple: to help people rediscover healing, growth, and purpose amidst the noise of the modern world.

Example

Your turn

But after four years of listening to my audience, I discovered a hard truth: even the deepest self-care isn’t enough when your relationship is suffering. There is a profound need for more than personal balance; people aren’t only looking for inner peace—they are desperate for genuine connection and the tools to heal their romantic lives.

I realized then that inner work and relationship work are inseparable. The good news? You don’t have to “fix” yourself before finding love; they can—and should—happen simultaneously. This insight became the core of my recently completed manuscript: The H-E-A-R-T Work: Harmonizing Authenticity and Romantic Love through Hard, Engaged, Authentic, Reflective Talks.

The Message That Resonated

One post, “I get you & I got you,” resonated so deeply it garnered over a million views and 100,000+ pins on Pinterest. One follower even chose to use my poem in her wedding vows:

Witness & Protector

The resonance of this message is clear: People need more than just companionship; they are looking for a witness who is also a protector. We all want to be seen, and we all want to be safe.

In my manuscript, I define this as Authentic Attachment—a resilient bond built on these two fundamental promises: “I get you” and “I got you.”

To say “I get you” is to respect your partner’s authentic self by truly seeing their world and validating their feelings without trying to “fix” them. To say “I got you” is to provide the secure base necessary for deep attachment—an unwavering commitment to be their safe place through life’s inevitable storms.

When we prioritize this emotional safety, we unlock the door to true vulnerability. I also call this “Protect to Connect”. When you can truthfully offer both protection and connection, you aren’t just maintaining a relationship; you are cultivating a profound, unbreakable tie that transcends the noise of the world.

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Tips to Help New Moms and Their Families throughout Pregnancy and Postpartum

by Sara Cloostermans on category

Both pregnancy and postpartum, especially “the fourth trimester,” the first 3 months after parents bring their newborn infant home, need a lot more of our attention if the goal is to help parents successfully transition into parenthood.

It is a time that is characterized by significant emotional, physical, and practical lifestyle adjustments (incl. financial), which can be extremely overwhelming and taxing on the new parents’ well-being. It is therefore essential we apply a holistic approach to effectively support growing families, so we can empower them to navigate this transformative period with more confidence and ease.

3 Tips to Help Women During Pregnancy

1. Validate, Validate, Validate

Everyone’s experience during pregnancy is different. Some women feel the glow; others feel utterly miserable. Some women love being pregnant; others hate it. All of it is normal. Whatever it turns out to be is real, and therefore valid, for each individual pregnant woman.

So validate her.

If she is in her happiest glow and feeling amazing – relish in it with her. Don’t bombard her with “Just you wait…” or “Sleep now because you’ll never sleep again!” types of comments.

If she is really struggling physically or mentally – hold space for her. Don’t shame her with “But it’s such a miracle!” or “You’d feel better if you were more positive…” types of comments.

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My Postpartum Experience: How I Survived Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

“There were others!”

I thought as I cried tears of relief while reading the stories of two other mothers who had similar postpartum symptoms to the ones I was dealing with. Before that moment, I had no idea perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) even existed, let alone what they looked like. So, there was zero chance that I would have been able to recognize the multiple warning signs (as obvious as they may have been) within myself.

This was 25 years ago – I was completely unaware not only because I had never experienced the inner world of someone with mental illness, but also because it was 1998. Back then, there was a total lack of postpartum health education, and even had there been some, the internet was hardly available to the public, so quick and easy access to information was very limited.

There I was, 27 years old – deep in the trenches of postpartum depression and anxiety, and also dealing with an undiagnosed (and misunderstood!) case of postpartum OCD – terrified that I had turned into a crazy psychopath, and wondering if my baby and I could even coexist on this planet. And though my husband and I had (and still have) wonderfully supportive families, we were living alone in Berlin, Germany, as expats at the time, so reaching out for support was complicated, with my husband’s family being settled on the East Coast of the US and my family residing in Belgium.

My journey of healing and recovery ended up being long and hard. But in the end, it led me to finding a career I am passionate about to this day – a career as a therapist working with other parents coping with PMADs. It also led me to being bold enough to have another child 6 years after the birth of my son T., a baby girl in 2004, through open adoption.

This is my story. I’m sharing it with you because it may stand as a “There were others!” for you too (or for someone else you may know who could benefit from my story somehow.)

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Postpartum Mental Health 101: Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety & More

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Not very long ago, the way women felt in their minds and bodies during and after pregnancy was entirely hush-hush – considered private, and at times even shameful. Many women were drowning, and nobody was paying attention.

Luckily, the tides are changing, and our culture is warming up to the idea that talking about postpartum health – especially postpartum mental health – is essential for healthy moms, healthy babies, and a healthy society.

Yet many of us aren’t well-versed in the various ways a mixture of hormones and experience (past trauma, recent loss, bad marriage/partnership, lack of social support, incl. return-to-work support, etc.) can shape a woman’s mental health during pregnancy and postpartum.

So, consider this article your guide to Postpartum Mental Health 101.

It’s a must-read for anyone who may become pregnant, is pregnant, is postpartum, was postpartum… and for anyone who knows a woman who falls under any of these categories. In short: everyone can benefit from this info!

“Postpartum” or “Peripartum”?

Most of the time, the word “Postpartum” refers to mental illness that begins AFTER DELIVERY of the baby. However, due to hormonal changes, and adverse past or current circumstances, pregnant women can begin experiencing mental health symptoms DURING PREGNANCY.

A broader term encompassing both the postpartum period AND the pregnancy is therefore more accurate: “Peripartum” (or “Perinatal”).

When Can You Experience Peripartum Mental Health Illnesses?

Every woman’s experience is different. Typically, if any of these disorders show up during pregnancy or within the first 12 months after delivery, they are considered “Peripartum” or “Perinatal”. They are now commonly referred to as “PMADs” – Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders.

Some women experience a PMAD during their pregnancy, and others within the first couple of weeks or months after delivery. Still others don’t begin to display symptoms until after their babies are already walking. For some women, the sudden hormonal shifts of weaning can also trigger a type of PMAD.

What Are the Seven Types of Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs)?

  1. Baby Blues
  2. Peripartum Depression
  3. Peripartum Anxiety
  4. Peripartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
  5. Peripartum Bipolar Disorder
  6. Peripartum Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
  7. Peripartum Psychosis

Note: in the DSM-V these disorders are not all classified as either a “mood” or an “anxiety” disorder (or not recognized at all as with the baby blues); yet, for the purpose of simplification, all 7 disorders are listed under the same title.

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Future Day Fantasy: Guided Meditation Practice

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

I was first introduced to a future day fantasy guided meditation practice while I was still in grad school at ASU just over 20 years ago. I was taking a class in my counseling program called “Smart Girls: a New Psychology of Gifted and Talented Girls,” taught by Barbara Kerr, PhD (my favorite professor in the whole program, so I took as many of her classes as I could); it was in this class that Dr. Kerr guided us through an equivalent meditation practice.

It was the very first time in my life that I meditated and it ended up being one of my more memorable meditation practices to this day. Just recently, I have been inspired to share this experience with you. But since I don’t remember ever receiving a script handout in class nor was able to find a similar script online when doing an internet search (except for a great YouTube video, “Future Day Fantasy: A guided visualization to get clear on what you actually want” by Kyira Wackett, MS, LPC), I decided to write my own script.

As you prepare for your practice, feel free to include calming music, and scented oils or candles. If you are planning on sitting down, find a comfortable spot in a quiet space; sit on the floor, or if you have a yoga mat, use that to sit on instead. If you prefer lying down, do so flat on your back either on your yoga mat or your bed.

Let’s get started!

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Who + What Do I Put First – a Life Priority Workbook

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Let me ask you a few questions:

  • Do you ever feel stretched too thin? Like it’s impossible to keep up with your many relationships and endless action items?
  • Do you try to be everything to everybody?
  • Do you try to do it all?
  • Do you feel disconnected from the most important people in your life?
  • Do you ever feel like you’ve lost sight of not only who is important, but also what is important because you have way too many goals and not nearly enough time?

My guess is you’ve answered yes to at least one or two of these questions. I’m a therapist. I talk to people just like you every day. And I know the pressures we are all facing to do it all and be it all … and I also know that a never-ending to-do list often leaves us with competing priorities and a life that doesn’t always feel aligned with our values.

That’s why I created this FREE downloadable workbook: Who + What Do I Put First?

Through the simple exercises in this workbook, you will be able to identify, evaluate, and determine what your personal priorities are with both the people in your life (including yourself!) and your to-do list.

How are you spending your time, money, and energy? Is this working for you? If it is, keep going. If it is not, it may be time for change.

This information allows you to set actionable goals that help you feel more aligned with your values.

This leads to healthier relationships and a more valued life.

Who Do I Put First? Relationship Priorities

The Who Do I Put First? worksheets provide a clear picture of which relationships you are currently prioritizing and which relationships you need or want to be prioritizing instead if your goal is to have deeper connections and healthier relationships with the people in your life who matter most to you.

What Do I Put First? Values Priorities

Each one of us has limited time and resources, yet it feels like our society is constantly pulling us here and there and everywhere – pressuring us to do everything all at once.

You’re a human being. You can’t do it all (nor have it all) and definitely not all at the same time – attempting to do so is a recipe for burnout, leaving you feeling exhausted, powerless, and resentful.

The What Do I Put First? worksheets help you figure out which action items you value most (either because you have to, or you want to). Regardless of if your action is a need or a want, when you approach your action schedule in alignment with your true values, you will go about your days in a more authentic and fulfilling way.

Values in action (and action in values) bring peace and purpose.

Yield2Yin

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The 3 Rs in Relationships and 10 Fair Fighting Rules

by Sara Cloostermans on category

Here’s a little secret I have discovered in my 20 years of being a therapist (as well as in my personal life:) everyone fights. Everyone.

The mark of a healthy relationship isn’t the absence of disagreement or conflict. The mark of a healthy relationship is handling disagreement and conflict well. Approaching it as a team. Fighting fairly. Focusing on repairing what has been ruptured. Apologizing and accepting apologies.

Do you want your relationship to reach the point where you can confidently say that you’re fighting PRODUCTIVELY instead of DESTRUCTIVELY? If so, take a look at the following two steps:

Step 1: Understand the 3 Rs.

Step 2: Memorize the 10 Fair Fighting Rules.

What Are The 3 Rs in Relationships?

The 3 Rs in relationships are:

  1. RUPTURE
  2. RECOVERY
  3. REPAIR

1. What is a relationship rupture after a fight?

A rupture is a conflict or a break in connection between people.

The “size” (small or large) of the rupture depends on the intensity, frequency, and duration of your fights:

  • Intensity: how intense are your fights?
    • healthy or small disagreements, or “spats”
    • normal or regular arguments 
    • toxic or big “blow-ups,” incl. the “explosion” (aggressive) stage in the cycle of violence
    • anywhere in between
  • Frequency: how often do you fight?
    • one-time
    • regularly 
    • constantly
    • anywhere in between
  • Duration: how long do your fights typically last?
    • minutes
    • hours
    • days
    • anywhere in between

2. What is recovery after a relationship rupture?

Recovery is the length of time it takes people to “bounce back” after a rupture. The larger the rupture, the longer it may take to recover.

  • How long does it take you to become emotionally regulated again?
  • How long does it take you to process and integrate what occurred?
  • How long does it take you to create a narrative of what happened that you can move forward with?
  • How long does it take you to “forgive and forget”? 
  • How long does it take you to be able to transition from recovery to repair?

3. What is repair after a relationship recovery?

Relationship repair is restoring harmony or connection after recovery. The larger the rupture and the slower the recovery, the harder it may be to repair.

How to repair? 

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“Because I Said So”: The Importance of Giving Our Kids Fewer Choices

by Sara Cloostermans on category

I have an inkling that what comes next may be an unpopular opinion, but keep in mind that this is all it is: one opinion. 

It is my opinion that we are giving our young children way too many choices and that we should lay off doing this, giving choices that is, so frequently.

I am not referring to skill-building choices as in the Giving Children Choices parenting blog.

I am also not referring to the number of choices, such as the difference between giving just two or three choices (preferred), or giving more than three choices. Giving too many choices is discouraged because it may lead to “Choice overload: the tendency for people to get overwhelmed when they are presented with a large number of options, often used interchangeably with the term paradox of choice.”

I am referring to the constancy of including our children in the daily decision-making. I’m suggesting we need to reduce that constancy. Read on!

Why Give Fewer Choices? Power, Control, Overwhelm & Structure

Why are we putting our children in a position where they have to make hard choices so early on in their lives and so frequently? Giving choices too often can make our children feel overwhelmed and lead to extreme emotional dysregulation (resulting in unruly behavior).

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Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕