Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

loneliness in grief

“Cups and Roles” in Bereavement: Dealing with Loneliness in Grief

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

There are so many layers to the loneliness of grief. When you lose a loved one, you’re not just losing a partner, friend, etc., you are losing the many roles they played in your life. A husband may also be a tennis partner and a date to the symphony. A brother may be a fishing buddy and a chili cook-off teammate. 

No person can ever replace the lost loved one. We can, though, find people who can step into some of the roles the deceased can no longer fill. 

The path toward accepting your new reality after loss is often paved by making necessary adjustments to function in a world without your loved one. This means you will take on a part of the responsibilities of the person who has passed. You will delegate the other part to other people.

It is unlikely that the different roles will all go to one person. The different roles will go into different cups. In grief counseling, I refer to this process as “cups and roles.”

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vulnerable with someone

How To Know If It’s Safe To Be Vulnerable With Someone or Not

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

There’s a lot of discussion on how to be vulnerable and why to be vulnerable, but an equally important conversation is who to be vulnerable with. The key to vulnerability doesn’t rest in showing every person you come in contact with your authentic, fully exposed thoughts and emotions. 

None of us would let just anybody hold our baby, or house-sit, or have access to passwords or accounts. Why then would we hand over our most sacred and deeply personal feelings, experiences, traumas, grief, or even hopes and dreams to people who have not gained our trust?

“Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure, and it’s not celebrity-style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.”

Brené Brown

On the surface level, it seems that it would be easy to pinpoint who to be vulnerable with. But in real life, the idea can turn gray. People like spouses, parents, siblings, and long-time “best” friends are not always the automatically safe people we want them to be. So who is safe to be vulnerable with?

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hard work is relative

Hard Work Is Relative, So Be Compassionate

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

We are a judgmental bunch when it comes to ranking the hard work of others. We look at a very specific set of metrics without considering any background information and start making pronouncements: he is such a hard worker, she is so productive, he is really lazy, she is a total couch potato.

When we see a “high-achieving” person who works ten hours a day to build a business, and still fits in time for exercise, meal prep, meditation, children, etc., we call them a hard worker. And that’s fair … they are working hard.

We look at somebody who’s been home all day on the couch and say “lazy.” But here’s the truth: they might be working just as hard, maybe even harder.

  • “Person A” may be in great mental and physical health with a personality that thrives on staying busy. They may have resources to help them like a nanny or a cleaning service.
  • “Person B” could be suffering from severe depression or a physical disability that makes walking back and forth to the bathroom the hardest task in the world. The act of taking a shower may have felt impossible—and they did it anyway. 

The concept of hard work is relative. What is a person dealing with behind the scenes? What’s going on that we can’t see? What are their thoughts, their feelings? Do they have trauma triggers? Are they in physical pain?

No two humans and their sets of circumstances are ever alike, so comparing exertion and productivity is impossible. 

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Boundaries when caring for a grieving person

Boundaries When Caring For A Grieving Person

by Sara Cloostermans on category

We recently talked about creating a safe holding space for a grieving loved one. That’s when you carefully see them through their mourning journey by using communication skills that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. 

Those three communication skills are: 

  1. Actively listening without interruption
  2. Validating without the need to fix anything
  3. Reflecting back feelings without adding interpretations

These same communication skills are some of the “basic attending skills” used in counseling to deepen the connection between the therapist and the client. They are meant to encourage clients to safely share their vulnerabilities with the hope that, because there is now a “shared experience” through storytelling, the clients’ emotional burden becomes lighter as time goes on. 

This work is not easy.

That’s why it’s important to consider boundaries when caring for a grieving person.

Being there for someone through what may be their most painful or, depending on the type of loss, the most traumatic time in their life, is extremely hard and is not for everyone.

If this is beyond your capabilities, that is completely fine too. What I feel you do owe the grieving person, however, is that you make a mindful decision about whether or not you are cut out for this type of work. 

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care package for grieving friend

Showing Love with a DIY Care Package For a Grieving Friend

by Sara Cloostermans on category

When somebody you care about is grieving, it can be difficult to figure out what to do to support them. Try thinking through the love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch.

In a previous blog post , we discussed the idea of providing a safe holding space for the bereaved by using communication skills that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. This counts as words of affirmation, quality time, and perhaps physical touch (a hug, pat on the back, holding their hand, etc.)

This all, of course, is not easy. And there are many reasons why you might not be able to be a main pillar of support for this grieving person. There are plenty of other, more cautious, ways you can show love and support, such as sending a DIY care package to a grieving friend. This counts as acts of service and gifts.

But buying gift baskets online tends to be quite expensive. Moreover, online services do not always offer the best products. When it comes to lotions, soaps, and scented oils, it is extra important to buy only the healthy stuff since their different properties are entering our bodies. Better to buy just one or two high-quality items than many different products that contain bad chemicals. 

These are all the reasons why, when I send gifts to my loved ones who are grieving, I like to put my own package together. 

Items For A DIY Care Package

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say to a grieving person

Do’s and Don’ts—What To Say and Not To Say To a Grieving Person 

by Sara Cloostermans on category

Does this sound familiar? Somebody you care about has just experienced a painful loss. You want to comfort them with your words, but you’re afraid you’ll accidentally say the wrong thing. Or maybe your mind goes blank. You have no idea what to say to a grieving person.

Here are 10 ideas of what to say and what to avoid. These are all real-life examples pulled from both my personal and my clients’ experiences around loss (let’s call the grieving person “Andrea” and the person she lost “Carl”).

10 Things Not To Say To A Grieving Person (& What To Say Instead) 

1. Don’t ask probing questions. Do ask general open-ended questions.

DON’T: “How did Carl die?” Or worse, “How did he take his life?” (when someone died by suicide). 

Just ask a more general question, such as “What happened?” or “How/When/Where did you find out about Carl’s passing?” Then, Andrea can give you as little or as much information as she wants, which may not include the cause of death.

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communication skills for grief

Creating A Safe Holding Space: Communication Skills For Grief

by Sara Cloostermans on category

When you create a safe holding space for a grieving loved one, you carefully see them through their mourning journey by using communication skills for grief that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. 

Some of these communication skills are: 

1. Actively listening without interruption

2. Validating without the need to fix anything

3. Reflecting back feelings without adding interpretations

These communication skills are some of the “basic attending skills” used in counseling to deepen the connection between the therapist and the client. They are meant to encourage clients to safely share their vulnerabilities with the hope that, because there is now a “shared experience” through storytelling, the clients’ emotional burden becomes lighter as time goes on. 

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parenting with common sense

Parenting With Common Sense That’s Not All That Common

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

I’ve worked with many parents throughout the years and have noticed a common scenario plays out over and over. A child becomes emotionally dysregulated for a variety of reasons. Cue: temper tantrum, meltdown, etc. The parent gets caught up in that emotional spiral and becomes dysregulated too. They then make a choice based on dysregulated emotions instead of doing what they know to be the right decision for the greater good.

Often they are afraid of being the “bad dad” or the “bad mom”–or maybe they’re just feeling too exhausted to do anything but give in. But a parent who is grounded in reality instead of matching a dysregulated child emotion for emotion is being the “good dad” or “good mom.”

I get it. We don’t want to see our babies hurt or uncomfortable. No parent enjoys that. But we all know life does bring hurt and discomfort. It is our job as parents to teach and guide these young ones through hard things. How then do we parent a child who has become emotionally dysregulated without becoming emotionally dysregulated ourselves?

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finding calm

Push Pause: Finding Calm After An Emotional Storm

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Think back to the last time something was really hard for you. Maybe you were stressed out or angry, overwhelmed or sad. Then think about the very next thing you had to do that day. Maybe it was something fun, maybe it wasn’t. Either way, was it easy to switch from swimming in a difficult feeling to crossing off the next item on your to-do list?

Probably not.

After something hard happens (a storm), we need to learn to push pause and find calm. That way we can more easily, and more peacefully, move on to the next activity in our day with awareness and mindfulness.

The way I suggest finding calm is by incorporating a yin activity. Think of yin and yang—the energies we hope to balance in our lives. We associate yin with being, slowing down, deactivating. Yang is associated with doing, quickening, activating. If you’re already at a place of high emotion or distress, going straight into more yang is not going to calm you down even if that activity is fun. But by choosing to focus on yin for a moment, we can find a more neutral zone. Then we can move on with the day.

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yin and the nervous system

The Power of Yin and The Nervous System

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , , ,

Just about everything you’ve done, thought, or felt today has been controlled by your body’s nervous system. Movement, emotions, stress response, healing, sleep, breath, senses, aging, digestion—all happening thanks to this central command center.

Now, think about how many of those factors play into your mental wellbeing! 

Your nervous system is responsible for the “fight or flight” response—one we are all too familiar with in today’s world. Not because many of us ever need to run from a hungry lion, but because of the hectic, high-stress lifestyle that’s become the norm. 

Your nervous system has another function that doesn’t get as much attention as it should: “rest and digest.” This is the calm down. The healing and repairing function. The self-care. Our culture often brushes this side off as unnecessary, or even weak and lazy. 

But if we want a healthy body and mind, we must pay attention to the power of yin and the nervous system.

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Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕