Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

toxic gossip

Toxic Gossip: Why We Need To Give It Up For Good

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Co-worker gossip, family gossip, friend group gossip, school pick-up gossip, celebrity gossip, church gossip, neighborhood gossip—there’s a whole platter of “you’ll never believe what they did” to choose from. 

At some point, we all have ingested, participated in, or even instigated gossip—some of us more than others, but no one is guilt-free.

We do it even though we know we shouldn’t do it, right?

After all, gossip is all about taking someone down who cannot defend themselves. It’s one-sided. This means it’s easy, and in the moment, can feel harmless. Yet, at worst, gossip can ruin somebody’s life. Even at its best, nothing good ever comes of it. The passive communication method means there is no growth, no real solution. The same story is just repeated while nothing changes.

Why then do we do it?

Social scientist and researcher Brené Brown suggests we gossip in order to “hotwire connection.” It’s a quick and easy way to feel like we have made an instant bond with a person or group we want to connect with. It almost feels like we are being vulnerable, but actually, we are exploiting others by using their vulnerabilities, so we can feel better than them and better about ourselves.

How do we quit?

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breathe through discomfort

How To Breathe Through Discomfort or Pain

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , ,

When I work with clients as they are describing an uncomfortable or painful feeling, I ask them “where in your body are you feeling this?”  They often respond with, “What do you mean?”, “I have never thought about this, so I’m not sure,” or “I don’t think I feel anything.”

Ironically, feelings are called “feelings” because we FEEL them. If someone tells me they don’t feel anything, I inquire about their physical health and check if I can make a connection that way. If they tell me that they have no physical complaints, I ask them if they spend a lot of time in their head, and if so, we just focus on that. 

In this case, I also make sure to explain dissociation. I double check and ask again about potential physical complaints, but more specifically this time: “Do you ever suffer from headaches or migraines?”

My goal is not to be right, but to have my clients start making links between their bodies, minds, and souls, basically to approach their life holistically, so that they will be able to do the same for themselves outside of our therapy space.

Holding Our Emotions

When clients tell me that they feel as if they are “suffocating,” it is almost predictable that they hold their feelings in their throat and neck area. This makes sense, right?

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breathing meditation

Breathing Meditation For Stress Reduction 

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

If we are already breathing over 20,000 times per day, does slowing down and focusing on our breath actually have any impact? A detailed systematic review of medical studies showed that slow breathing techniques do indeed lead to “increased comfort, relaxation, pleasantness, vigor and alertness, and reduced symptoms of arousal, anxiety, depression, anger, and confusion”.

But how do we do it? How do we learn to control something we already do all day without giving it a second thought? (Hint: we practice!) Do we have enough time in our busy days to incorporate breathwork? (Hint: it is faster and simpler than you may think!) And do we have to be spiritual or religious to tap into this calming method? (Hint: not at all!)

Let’s look more closely at breathing meditation.

Is Focusing On Our Breathing Considered “Meditating”?

The answer is “yes,” breathing can be considered:

  • A type of meditation in and by itself (breathing meditation) or 
  • Part of another meditative exercise (guided or silent visualization meditation, for example).

Here is the definition of “meditation” pulled from Merriam-Webster:

  1. To engage in contemplation or reflection. He meditated long and hard before announcing his decision. 
  2. To engage in mental exercise (such as concentration on one’s breathing or repetition of a mantra) to reach a heightened level of spiritual awareness.

I know from talking to some of my clients that the word “meditation” can feel too far off from what they consider themselves capable of doing. Don’t let the word meditation intimidate you. 

As soon as you are in silence focusing on slowing down your breathing and taking full breaths instead of rapid, shallow breaths, you are meditating. 

As soon as you are listening to a guided meditation practice on YouTube, you are meditating. 

If you are uncomfortable with the word “meditation,” because it feels disingenuous to you, just tell yourself “I am aware of my breath,” “I am focusing on my breathing,” “I am doing breathwork,” or “I am listening to a guided breathing meditation exercise” instead of “I am meditating.”

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diaphragmatic breathing

Diaphragmatic Breathing: A Calming Technique

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

At the end of each blog post, in my Yield2Yin section, I share a mantra for you to repeat. This is an “I am” mantra—something like “I am calmness” or “I am serenity.” Then I always suggest saying (or thinking) the mantra alongside diaphragmatic breathing. Why is this type of breath so important that it has become a fundamental aspect of my message? Let’s dive in!

What Is Diaphragmatic Breathing?

Diaphragmatic breathing (AKA: abdominal breathing, belly breathing, or pace breathing) is when you utilize your diaphragm to take a deep, slow breath. Your belly will move up and down with the breath instead of the chest.

The diaphragm is the major muscle of respiration that is located below the lungs. This dome-shaped muscle plays a crucial part in your breathing:

  • Each time you inhale and take in oxygen, your diaphragm contracts and flattens, which creates more room in your chest cavity, so your lungs can expand = YANG 
  • Each time you exhale and let out carbon dioxide, the opposite happens: your diaphragm relaxes and moves upward in your chest cavity. The space in your chest cavity gets smaller and air is forced out of your lungs and windpipe, and then out of your nose or mouth = YIN

Belly breathing is something that we were able to do automatically from the moment we were born. It is not until later, as we get older and life stressors continue to pile up without being addressed, that we start taking shorter and more rapid breaths, which no longer allow for complete oxygen exchange. Shallow and restricted breathing activates the sympathetic nervous system = fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. 

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boundaries

Respecting The V: A Boundaries Tool

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Figuring out boundaries can be hard. We know we need them, but our inner monologue is confusing: How much is enough? How much is too much? Where do I start? What if it leads to missed opportunities? What if I hurt somebody’s feelings in the process? 

Learning simple tools or skills along the way can make creating and maintaining boundaries easier. One tool to add to your toolbox is something I like to call “Respecting The V.” It’s especially great for those who like a good visual.

“Respecting The V” is simple. Think about a V shape. The bottom of a V is closed, the two lines touch completely and there is no space between them. As you go up the V, the two lines slowly and evenly open up.

That model is a great way to begin and evolve your boundaries. You start with the teeniest tiniest amount of openness. As time goes on and the other person or institution earns your trust, you can start moving up the V, adding more space and flexibility.

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7 Things To Remember When Someone You Love Is Dying

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Even though many people experience at least one or two great losses over the course of their lives, that doesn’t mean you know what to do or how to think or feel when you’re in the midst of bereavement—or expecting upcoming loss.

If you are feeling confused, emotional, numb, angry, distracted, etc., that is all considered completely normal. There is not a singular correct way to process an upcoming death. There are, though, a few truths that can help guide you and center you throughout this painful time when someone you love is dying.

1. Loss is universal and unpredictable—be grateful for the day-to-day little joys

We will likely experience several significant losses at different points in our life. Unless we die first of course, but let’s not do that 😉.  There is no easy way around loss if you think about it since the only options are either dying first or surviving people we deeply care about. 

I look at my in-laws—both in their eighties and in good health. When people comment on their old age, my father-in-law says, “better than the alternative.” True, but think of how many losses both have experienced. They have survived parents, siblings, friends, including some of their best childhood friends, close neighbors, former coworkers who became friends, and so on. The truth is we either die young and experience little to no loss, we die old and experience lots of loss, or we end up somewhere between the two on the “age-of-death continuum,” and still experience a fair amount of loss.

Ideally, in a “fair” world, we want loss to happen in chronological order, the oldest dying first, yet we know that is not the case.

Maybe the answer to loss is to accept mortality, including the “randomness” and “unfairness” of it all and, as we are going through the stages of grief, to find ways to practice gratitude for the small joys in everyday life.

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grieving a loss

10 Things To Do When You’re Grieving A Loss (and how to honor your loved one)

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Grieving the loss of a loved one is such an intense emotional experience—you’re coping with complex layers of different feelings from denial to depression, anger to sometimes even relief. (For more on the stages of grief, see my blog “Understanding Grief” here). 

Finding healthy ways to care gently for yourself during a time of great loss allows you space to deal with the waves of pain and distress. That way, in time, you can move toward acceptance.

10 Things To Do When Grieving a Loss

  1. Practice increased self-care: Make sure to include sensory experiences.  
  1. Take time off work for a while: Do so if that is what you need or want. 
  1. Lay off the alcohol, and maybe even the caffeine: Wait until you feel emotionally stable again.

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understanding grief

Understanding Grief: What Does Grief Feel Like?

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Grief looks so different from person to person and situation to situation, so it would be overly simplistic to suggest that I could describe exactly what grief feels like. That being said, it’s my hope to share a few ideas that will help you understand grief—things like the commonalities that many people share in their types of grief and signs that grief may turn into something even more serious.

The 5 Stages of Grief 

The 5 Stages of Grief were originally developed for people who were dying. However, it quickly became clear that the stages also apply to people who survived a loved one.

The stages do not have to occur in any specific order. The way they are listed here may be the most common order, but it can differ for different people. You can go through more than one stage at the same time; for example, you can feel angry and depressed at the same time. 

The stages do not have to happen within a specific time frame, especially not with a definite end date, and not everyone experiences all stages. You may just experience denial, bargaining, and acceptance, for example.

Remember they can come and go; you may not experience any of the stages for a while, but then, during the holidays, for example, you may find yourself in the depression stage all over again. 

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loneliness in grief

“Cups and Roles” in Bereavement: Dealing with Loneliness in Grief

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

There are so many layers to the loneliness of grief. When you lose a loved one, you’re not just losing a partner, friend, etc., you are losing the many roles they played in your life. A husband may also be a tennis partner and a date to the symphony. A brother may be a fishing buddy and a chili cook-off teammate. 

No person can ever replace the lost loved one. We can, though, find people who can step into some of the roles the deceased can no longer fill. 

The path toward accepting your new reality after loss is often paved by making necessary adjustments to function in a world without your loved one. This means you will take on a part of the responsibilities of the person who has passed. You will delegate the other part to other people.

It is unlikely that the different roles will all go to one person. The different roles will go into different cups. In grief counseling, I refer to this process as “cups and roles.”

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vulnerable with someone

How To Know If It’s Safe To Be Vulnerable With Someone or Not

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

There’s a lot of discussion on how to be vulnerable and why to be vulnerable, but an equally important conversation is who to be vulnerable with. The key to vulnerability doesn’t rest in showing every person you come in contact with your authentic, fully exposed thoughts and emotions. 

None of us would let just anybody hold our baby, or house-sit, or have access to passwords or accounts. Why then would we hand over our most sacred and deeply personal feelings, experiences, traumas, grief, or even hopes and dreams to people who have not gained our trust?

“Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure, and it’s not celebrity-style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.”

Brené Brown

On the surface level, it seems that it would be easy to pinpoint who to be vulnerable with. But in real life, the idea can turn gray. People like spouses, parents, siblings, and long-time “best” friends are not always the automatically safe people we want them to be. So who is safe to be vulnerable with?

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Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕