Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

positive parenting skills

7 Positive Parenting Skills For Parents To Incorporate Today

by Sara Cloostermans on category

Over the next weeks, we will be diving into positive parenting skills that not only help teach and guide your children, but that do so in a way that preserves and strengthens your parent-child bond. Both parent and child are viewed as holistic beings – with valued and respected minds, bodies, and spirits.

All of these gentle skills can be adapted for different parenting stages. A 17-month-old and a 17-year-old can both benefit from a parenting approach that includes, for instance, positive language and limit setting.

For each positive parenting skill, you will learn the meaning and goals. I will also make sure to add an example or two, so it is clear how these skills can be applied in regular day-to-day life.

1. Positive Language

From “A Therapist’s Advice 55-Card Healing Deck”
For sale on Amazon soon!

Positive Language Definition

Omit negative language when raising your children. Avoid the words “no, don’t, stop, quit, not.” This does not only refer to negative criticism, but also to simple commands. As much as possible, use positive language instead, including when discipling your children. The one exception is when safety is a concern.

Positive Language Examples

  • “Don’t run in the house!” becomes “You can run outside, or you can walk in the house.”
  • “Stop throwing your food!” becomes “Keep your food on your plate, please!”
  • “You are not spending all weekend in bed!” becomes “I’d love for you to rest up this weekend as well as join us outside for family time!”

Positive Language Goal

Positive language changes our brain. Not just our children’s brains, but ours too. However, there is a lot more plasticity in our children’s brains than in ours. When children are young, from birth on, neural pathways are being built at lightning speed.

Imagine how different those neural pathways in the brain look if they developed based on positive and loving language that builds connection compared to negative, or worse, critical language, which feels like rejection, and leads to disengagement, insecurity and loneliness?

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How To Be More Generous

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Here are two things people often get wrong when it comes to generosity:

  • Myth #1: Generosity is all about money
  • Myth #2: Generosity is a trait of the well-resourced only

The truth is generosity can of course relate to money, but it is also about acts of service, time, and attention.

Furthermore, generosity is an attitude, a personality trait. It is more about your relationship with money, with your career, and with time and attention than it is about the amount of money you make, your daily to-do list, and the amount of time and attention you have available. It is about what you value and what you prioritize.

Just like we have a relationship with people, we have a relationship with concepts as well. Not only with concepts such as our money, the action items on our agenda, and our time and attention, but also with many other concepts, such as food, alcohol, exercise, social media, and so on.

  • Are your relationships with your money, your to-do list, and your time healthy or unhealthy?
  • In other words, do you have a healthy attachment or an unhealthy attachment to these 3 concepts?
  • Are you securely attached or are you anxiously attached to your money, your to-do list, and your time available?

Let’s break down these forms of generosity and some common blocks people have from fully stepping into a generous spirit.

Financial Generosity

It is not because someone has more money that they are more generous with their money. More resources does not automatically mean more generosity. For example, just because somebody has a lot of extra time does not necessarily mean they exercise more than somebody who is often crunched for time.

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PRIDE skills

PRIDE Skills: Strengthening the Parent/Child Bond

by Sara Cloostermans on category

Last week, we discussed Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), a type of therapy that can help strengthen the bond between parent and child. Though originally created to use in a therapy setting with parents and their children with severe behavior problems or trauma, many of the skills taught in PCIT are incredibly helpful for any parent of any child.

Let’s start with the PCIT “PRIDE skills.”

PRIDE Skills

In the first phase of PCIT, the child directs the play. The parent follows their child’s lead and along the way uses “PRIDE skills,” a series of positive parenting techniques that make the child feel seen, heard, accepted, and valued.

The acronym PRIDE stands for:

  • Praise
  • Reflect
  • Imitate
  • Describe
  • Enjoy

Let’s take a closer look at how to implement these simple skills and at the goals behind them.

1. PRAISE 

PRIDE Skills

When you praise your child, you show approval of something they are doing or saying. There are two types of praises: unlabeled and labeled. Unlabeled praises are general, and labeled praises (preferred) are specific praises.

Examples of unlabeled praises:

  • Thank you! 
  • Great work! 
  • Nice job!

Examples of labeled praises:

  • Thank you for setting the table. 
  • Great work making your bed. 
  • Nice job helping your sister with her math homework.

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parent child interaction therapy

What Is Parent-Child Interaction Therapy?

by Sara Cloostermans on category

For the next few months, I will be writing about different parenting approaches and techniques. Today we’ll begin with Parent-Child Interaction Therapy – a treatment modality first introduced in the 1970s by Sheila Eyberg, Psychologist, and revised several times ever since. PCIT is a user-friendly and effective method for strengthening the bond between parent and child.

At this point in my career, I help my adult clients with their parenting challenges, if that happens to be one of their treatment goals, but I no longer work with children directly.

At the beginning of my therapy career, however, when I was an associate marriage and family therapist at a non-profit child abuse prevention and treatment agency, most of my caseload consisted of children. Whenever I had the chance, and if the grant funding source allowed it, I would also include their parents in our session. This was usually the child’s mother (or foster mother), and sometimes (but rarely) their father.

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life is unfair

The Duality of Life: Finding Empathy and Meaning When Life Is Unfair

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , ,

Around this little corner of the internet, we often discuss the yin and yang of life. The light and the dark. The joy and the pain. The go-go-go and the slow down. We’ve seen how these yin and yang forces are more complementary than opposing. 

This same concept brings us to a reality of humanness—the duality of life, I call it—which can look like this:

The worst day for someone can be the best day for someone else.

  • One family loses their dream house due to a foreclosure. That house goes on the market and becomes another family’s dream house they otherwise couldn’t have afforded.
  • One man dies and his heart is donated; one man lives because of that donated heart.
  • One woman places her baby for adoption; another woman is finally able to have a baby because of the first woman’s adoption placement choice.

Throughout our lives, we will be on both sides of this equation. Sometimes the “unfairness” of life tips in our favor, and sometimes it leaves us crushed and devastated.

Either way, how we respond to these scenarios is how we grow, how we step into our full humanity, and how we gain valuable skills like empathy and resilience.

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meridians and koshas

What Are Meridians and Koshas?

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

If you cut your finger with a knife while preparing dinner, we say you have a wound. If the love of your life leaves you for somebody else, we also say you’ve been wounded even if, physically, you are seemingly left unaffected.

Why is that?

Well, when it comes to human life experiences, including feelings of pain, we clearly all have a fundamental understanding of their effect on our human body. But, it seems that we also have a sense that there is something more, something beyond our anatomy.

Similarly, we know that if we are deeply grieving the loss of the love of our life, our physical body may start showing symptoms of illness and conditions, such as joint pain, headaches, digestive issues, etc.

Even though we can easily acknowledge the basic concept that wounds can be experienced not only at a physical level, but also at an energetic level, it can be difficult to gain a deeper understanding of the idea that we are “whole” beings with a mind-body-soul connection.

Thankfully, there are guides available to help us gain knowledge and insight. One of the most popular teachings is the spiritual concept of the 7 major chakras. If you are unfamiliar with the chakra system, I go more in-depth in this blog post here.

The chakra theory is not the only one that explains the different energy channels or the mind-body-soul connection; there is also the theory of meridians and koshas. Let’s take a closer look!

What Are Meridians?

The concept of meridians comes from Chinese Medicine.

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yin yoga and therapy

How Yin Yoga and Therapy Work Similarly

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , ,

When I started practicing yin yoga, I realized I had never come across an approach to healing that is so aligned with the approach I use when conducting therapy. The main similarity is the 3 principles of yin yoga, which is also my yield to yin approach to therapy.

Three Principles of Yin Yoga by Sarah Powers

  1. Find your edge and lean into the sensations that come up (4 or 5 out of 10 on an intensity scale – discomfort, not pain**)
  2. Resolve to remain still (in the present moment, no distractions) – practice the art of stillness while taking slow, deep, meditative breaths
  3. Hold the pose and spend time in this space (typically between 3 and 5 minutes – up to 20 minutes) to yield to the sensations, feelings, and thoughts

BOTTOM-UP APPROACH TO HEALING:

healing from the primal base of the brain (brainstem, limbic system) 
= bodily sensations + feelings

No pain (discomfort**), no gain

Jane Fonda

Three Yield to Yin Principles of the Therapeutic Process by Sara Cloostermans

  1. Find your edge and lean into the thoughts (perceptions) and feelings (subjective experiences) that come up – (4 or 5 out of 10 on an intensity scale – uncomfortable, not retraumatizing**) 
  2. Share the discomfort** with your therapist, then sit with it together (in the present moment, no distractions) while both taking slow, deep, and meditative breaths
  3. Spend time in this safe holding space (up to 20 minutes) to yield to the thoughts (perceptions become observations), feelings (subjective experiences become objective experiences), and sensations (seemingly intolerable or uncomfortable sensations become tolerable or comfortable)

TOP-DOWN APPROACH TO HEALING:

healing from the cognitive frontal lobes of the brain first 
= thoughts + emotional regulation

“No feeling, no healing”

Sara Cloostermans

**Understanding Discomfort vs. Pain

Both physical pain AND emotional trauma are stored in our bodies and minds. If not taken care of in a gentle and loving way, they add to the development of stagnation of energy, which creates energetic blockages. It is these blockages that lead to discomfort and pain. Pain can feel so intense that it seems unmanageable and intolerable.

Working through discomfort / being uncomfortable are “growing pains.” These pains help us process and integrate our experiences, so we can let be, let go, heal, move forward, and expand.

Struggling through actual pain (6 to 10 out of 10 on an intensity scale), however, is highly discouraged since it does the opposite: it leads to chronic pain / complex trauma = “issues in the tissues.”

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What Are Chakras? Balancing Them For Well-Being

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

When my youngest child was one and her older brother was seven years old, back in 2005, my husband accepted a new job with a startup company, the second one in a row. If you know a little bit about the startup world, it goes without saying that he would be working crazy hours.

While your partner is gone 12-hour days or traveling 12 days every month, you are the one who has to make up the work that they are no longer able to do due to their absence; unless you have a full-time live-in nanny, I call them “the third parent,” which we did not have (I used to be one though, a full-time live-in nanny in Boston, MA, for one year in 1990, but that is a blog topic for another day). 

If your partner is working a busy schedule, you know firsthand that, by default, you now are too. All military family members reading this blog are going: “Oh yes, do I know!” 😆 (The military world is just one example, of course.) At some point in our nutty lives, we probably have all gone through periods in which our work life was so out of control that work-life “balance” or “integration” or “wholeness” was pretty much non-existent.

Anyways, I’m not complaining, just stating the obvious. It was a decision my husband and I made together at that time with the knowledge and life experience we had back then.

At the same time my husband began his new job, I stepped back into the workforce after being a stay-at-home mom for 3 years (going through an adoption process, then adopting, and then staying home with my new baby her first year). 

I accepted a position as a part-time associate therapist for a non-profit child abuse prevention and treatment agency. With me working outside of the home 3 days a week and trying to be a hands-on parent every “free” moment the rest of the time, life very quickly became overwhelming.

I knew that most of my stress did not just come from having a hard-working traveling husband who was gone a lot, but also (and mostly) from my new job. I was serving at-risk children. Some of them had been severely abused (mental, physical, and/or sexual). 

Meanwhile, I had two little ones at home. They both did not enter my life easily and effortlessly. My first child came after two failed pregnancies and my second child was adopted. Clearly, they were very much wanted and showered with love. So, as you can imagine, my new job was a lot to take in at such a vulnerable time in my own life as a young parent.

Typically, by the time I met the children and started doing play therapy with them, they were safe. But sometimes, they were still exposed to their abusive family members or other members in the household. Driving away from these kids’ homes after a session with them was brutal. Of course, I would file CPS reports, but if after an investigation, the report conclusion was “unsubstantiated,” there was nothing I could do.

When I shared my overwhelm with a friend of mine, Sally, she introduced me to the “Psychic Development Series” by Tosha Silver, which I ended up purchasing (they were still a CD set at the time!). The four-part series included chakra work: “Chakras: The Power Within.”

Here is a link to Tosha’s Psychic Development Series in case you want to buy her product.

The power and effect of doing chakra work took shape right from the beginning, so naturally, I continued using it. I started not only incorporating it in my personal life, but also in my professional life, depending on the client, and have been doing so ever since.

What Are The Seven Chakras?

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yoga rebounds

The Benefits of Using Rebounds In Everyday Life

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

When you’re in a yoga class, your teacher designs a whole sequence of poses, transitions, and rebounds. Poses are more obvious: Warrior 1, 2, or 3. Chaturanga. Frog pose. But I want to focus on transitions and rebounds … and how they aren’t just for the mat, but for everyday life.

Transition Poses in Yoga

This is the pose we do to move from one yoga pose into the next. A transition pose involves movement and basically prepares us for the next pose. 

Two examples of transition yoga poses are:

  1. From standing to sitting: mountain pose, transition into squat pose, drop down on your bottom, and finally sit in square pose or easy pose
  1. From downward dog to corpse pose: downward dog, transition into plank, transition into belly pose face down (prone pose), and finally flip your body to transition into corpse pose

Rebound Poses in Yoga

This is the release of the poses we just did prior to the rebound. It is a pose that offers a period of rest and elicits a relaxation response. 

Three examples of rebound yoga poses are:

  1. Savasana/corpse pose, which is the most traditional rebound pose
  1. Child’s pose (after table pose or all fours pose, for example)
  1. Staff pose (after caterpillar pose, for example)

Using Transitions and Rebounds In Everyday Life

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yin yoga benefits

Yin Yoga: The Basics & The Benefits

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

I had been practicing yang-style yoga for a decade and a half when I was first introduced to the benefits of yin yoga in 2015. It was a yin yoga class at Riffs Yoga Studios in Bird Rock, La Jolla, on their beautiful outdoor patio deck.

I was immediately drawn to this style of yoga because I had just recovered from a year-long neck injury. I instinctively knew a slower, more gentle yoga approach would be more appropriate for me. A “safe” practice was what I was all about after living with chronic pain for an entire year in 2014. 

Up until the start of the pandemic, I had only been practicing yoga once or twice a week in different local yoga studios. But ever since the start of the pandemic, in the beginning of 2020, this changed. 

Like most other yogis, I began practicing at home. I experienced the ease and immediacy of in-home practices and discovered a handful of incredibly inspiring and talented online yoga teachers both through YouTube and Gaia. (As if this convenience had not been available prior to the pandemic 😂). Before I knew it, I was practicing daily, up to an hour a day if time allowed.

Yin Yoga Changed My Life

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Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕