Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

Calming | Coping

diaphragmatic breathing

Diaphragmatic Breathing: A Calming Technique

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

At the end of each blog post, in my Yield2Yin section, I share a mantra for you to repeat. This is an “I am” mantra—something like “I am calmness” or “I am serenity.” Then I always suggest saying (or thinking) the mantra alongside diaphragmatic breathing. Why is this type of breath so important that it has become a fundamental aspect of my message? Let’s dive in!

What Is Diaphragmatic Breathing?

Diaphragmatic breathing (AKA: abdominal breathing, belly breathing, or pace breathing) is when you utilize your diaphragm to take a deep, slow breath. Your belly will move up and down with the breath instead of the chest.

The diaphragm is the major muscle of respiration that is located below the lungs. This dome-shaped muscle plays a crucial part in your breathing:

  • Each time you inhale and take in oxygen, your diaphragm contracts and flattens, which creates more room in your chest cavity, so your lungs can expand = YANG 
  • Each time you exhale and let out carbon dioxide, the opposite happens: your diaphragm relaxes and moves upward in your chest cavity. The space in your chest cavity gets smaller and air is forced out of your lungs and windpipe, and then out of your nose or mouth = YIN

Belly breathing is something that we were able to do automatically from the moment we were born. It is not until later, as we get older and life stressors continue to pile up without being addressed, that we start taking shorter and more rapid breaths, which no longer allow for complete oxygen exchange. Shallow and restricted breathing activates the sympathetic nervous system = fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. 

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7 Things To Remember When Someone You Love Is Dying

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Even though many people experience at least one or two great losses over the course of their lives, that doesn’t mean you know what to do or how to think or feel when you’re in the midst of bereavement—or expecting upcoming loss.

If you are feeling confused, emotional, numb, angry, distracted, etc., that is all considered completely normal. There is not a singular correct way to process an upcoming death. There are, though, a few truths that can help guide you and center you throughout this painful time when someone you love is dying.

1. Loss is universal and unpredictable—be grateful for the day-to-day little joys

We will likely experience several significant losses at different points in our life. Unless we die first of course, but let’s not do that 😉.  There is no easy way around loss if you think about it since the only options are either dying first or surviving people we deeply care about. 

I look at my in-laws—both in their eighties and in good health. When people comment on their old age, my father-in-law says, “better than the alternative.” True, but think of how many losses both have experienced. They have survived parents, siblings, friends, including some of their best childhood friends, close neighbors, former coworkers who became friends, and so on. The truth is we either die young and experience little to no loss, we die old and experience lots of loss, or we end up somewhere between the two on the “age-of-death continuum,” and still experience a fair amount of loss.

Ideally, in a “fair” world, we want loss to happen in chronological order, the oldest dying first, yet we know that is not the case.

Maybe the answer to loss is to accept mortality, including the “randomness” and “unfairness” of it all and, as we are going through the stages of grief, to find ways to practice gratitude for the small joys in everyday life.

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grieving a loss

10 Things To Do When You’re Grieving A Loss (and how to honor your loved one)

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Grieving the loss of a loved one is such an intense emotional experience—you’re coping with complex layers of different feelings from denial to depression, anger to sometimes even relief. (For more on the stages of grief, see my blog “Understanding Grief” here). 

Finding healthy ways to care gently for yourself during a time of great loss allows you space to deal with the waves of pain and distress. That way, in time, you can move toward acceptance.

10 Things To Do When Grieving a Loss

  1. Practice increased self-care: Make sure to include sensory experiences.  
  1. Take time off work for a while: Do so if that is what you need or want. 
  1. Lay off the alcohol, and maybe even the caffeine: Wait until you feel emotionally stable again.

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understanding grief

Understanding Grief: What Does Grief Feel Like?

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Grief looks so different from person to person and situation to situation, so it would be overly simplistic to suggest that I could describe exactly what grief feels like. That being said, it’s my hope to share a few ideas that will help you understand grief—things like the commonalities that many people share in their types of grief and signs that grief may turn into something even more serious.

The 5 Stages of Grief 

The 5 Stages of Grief were originally developed for people who were dying. However, it quickly became clear that the stages also apply to people who survived a loved one.

The stages do not have to occur in any specific order. The way they are listed here may be the most common order, but it can differ for different people. You can go through more than one stage at the same time; for example, you can feel angry and depressed at the same time. 

The stages do not have to happen within a specific time frame, especially not with a definite end date, and not everyone experiences all stages. You may just experience denial, bargaining, and acceptance, for example.

Remember they can come and go; you may not experience any of the stages for a while, but then, during the holidays, for example, you may find yourself in the depression stage all over again. 

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loneliness in grief

“Cups and Roles” in Bereavement: Dealing with Loneliness in Grief

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

There are so many layers to the loneliness of grief. When you lose a loved one, you’re not just losing a partner, friend, etc., you are losing the many roles they played in your life. A husband may also be a tennis partner and a date to the symphony. A brother may be a fishing buddy and a chili cook-off teammate. 

No person can ever replace the lost loved one. We can, though, find people who can step into some of the roles the deceased can no longer fill. 

The path toward accepting your new reality after loss is often paved by making necessary adjustments to function in a world without your loved one. This means you will take on a part of the responsibilities of the person who has passed. You will delegate the other part to other people.

It is unlikely that the different roles will all go to one person. The different roles will go into different cups. In grief counseling, I refer to this process as “cups and roles.”

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Boundaries when caring for a grieving person

Boundaries When Caring For A Grieving Person

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

We recently talked about creating a safe holding space for a grieving loved one. That’s when you carefully see them through their mourning journey by using communication skills that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. 

Those three communication skills are: 

  1. Actively listening without interruption
  2. Validating without the need to fix anything
  3. Reflecting back feelings without adding interpretations

These same communication skills are some of the “basic attending skills” used in counseling to deepen the connection between the therapist and the client. They are meant to encourage clients to safely share their vulnerabilities with the hope that, because there is now a “shared experience” through storytelling, the clients’ emotional burden becomes lighter as time goes on. 

This work is not easy.

That’s why it’s important to consider boundaries when caring for a grieving person.

Being there for someone through what may be their most painful or, depending on the type of loss, the most traumatic time in their life, is extremely hard and is not for everyone.

If this is beyond your capabilities, that is completely fine too. What I feel you do owe the grieving person, however, is that you make a mindful decision about whether or not you are cut out for this type of work. 

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finding calm

Push Pause: Finding Calm After An Emotional Storm

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Think back to the last time something was really hard for you. Maybe you were stressed out or angry, overwhelmed or sad. Then think about the very next thing you had to do that day. Maybe it was something fun, maybe it wasn’t. Either way, was it easy to switch from swimming in a difficult feeling to crossing off the next item on your to-do list?

Probably not.

After something hard happens (a storm), we need to learn to push pause and find calm. That way we can more easily, and more peacefully, move on to the next activity in our day with awareness and mindfulness.

The way I suggest finding calm is by incorporating a yin activity. Think of yin and yang—the energies we hope to balance in our lives. We associate yin with being, slowing down, deactivating. Yang is associated with doing, quickening, activating. If you’re already at a place of high emotion or distress, going straight into more yang is not going to calm you down even if that activity is fun. But by choosing to focus on yin for a moment, we can find a more neutral zone. Then we can move on with the day.

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yin and the nervous system

The Power of Yin and The Nervous System

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , , ,

Just about everything you’ve done, thought, or felt today has been controlled by your body’s nervous system. Movement, emotions, stress response, healing, sleep, breath, senses, aging, digestion—all happening thanks to this central command center.

Now, think about how many of those factors play into your mental wellbeing! 

Your nervous system is responsible for the “fight or flight” response—one we are all too familiar with in today’s world. Not because many of us ever need to run from a hungry lion, but because of the hectic, high-stress lifestyle that’s become the norm. 

Your nervous system has another function that doesn’t get as much attention as it should: “rest and digest.” This is the calm down. The healing and repairing function. The self-care. Our culture often brushes this side off as unnecessary, or even weak and lazy. 

But if we want a healthy body and mind, we must pay attention to the power of yin and the nervous system.

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yin and yang

About Yin and Yang | Balancing Being and Doing

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , , ,

You’ve no doubt seen the yin/yang symbol before. Maybe in a yoga studio, on a t-shirt, or even tattooed onto the ankle of somebody you know. But do you really know what it means? Let’s dive into the deep meaning of the ancient yin and yang to see how understanding its balance can lead you to a more balanced life.

Yin/Yang: The Basics

The yin/yang symbol is a symbol rooted in Daoism/Taoism, an ancient Chinese philosophy. The yin side is the dark swirl and the yang side is the light swirl. The two swirls combined represent Qi (pronounced CHē). Qi is said to be the source of all creation and to hold all aspects of life, including our life force. 

Boiled down to its essence, yang represents the “doing” parts of life and yin represents the “being” parts of life. 

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emotional balance

Finding Emotional Balance

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

As a culture, we tend to put the emotional and the rational into two separate boxes and keep them miles apart. 

“She can’t lead this company; she’s too emotional.”

“He can’t comfort his crying kids; he’s a ‘facts and figures’ kind of guy.”

Not only do we separate them entirely, but we also place them in a hierarchy.

Logic and reason are placed above feelings and intuition time and time again. When people display emotion, we categorize them as hysterical, hyper-sensitive, weak. When emotions are hidden, we applaud people as being “so strong.” We still put a higher value on physical body care than mental health care. 

Do you know what this separateness and hierarchy does? It makes emotions confusing for people. Because the truth is … OF COURSE you will have emotions. You’re a person. So, where is their proper place? How much is enough but not too much? Are they the enemy of rationality?

At our best, these forces will not be at war with each other, but harmonize with and ultimately strengthen one another. One is not more important than the other. How we respond to them and how we balance them is where the magic happens. Going too far in either extreme can lead to suffering.

  • When we downplay our emotions, stuff them, and don’t listen to them, we are in trouble.
  • When we overplay our emotions, ceaselessly live in them, and feel trapped by them, we are also in trouble.

So, how do we honor our emotions without living perpetually on an emotional rollercoaster? How do we find emotional balance?

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Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕