Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

Calming | Coping

grieving a loss

10 Things To Do When You’re Grieving A Loss (and how to honor your loved one)

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Grieving the loss of a loved one is such an intense emotional experience—you’re coping with complex layers of different feelings from denial to depression, anger to sometimes even relief. (For more on the stages of grief, see my blog “Understanding Grief” here). 

Finding healthy ways to care gently for yourself during a time of great loss allows you space to deal with the waves of pain and distress. That way, in time, you can move toward acceptance.

10 Things To Do When Grieving a Loss

  1. Practice increased self-care: Make sure to include sensory experiences.  
  1. Take time off work for a while: Do so if that is what you need or want. 
  1. Lay off the alcohol, and maybe even the caffeine: Wait until you feel emotionally stable again.

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understanding grief

Understanding Grief: What Does Grief Feel Like?

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Grief looks so different from person to person and situation to situation, so it would be overly simplistic to suggest that I could describe exactly what grief feels like. That being said, it’s my hope to share a few ideas that will help you understand grief—things like the commonalities that many people share in their types of grief and signs that grief may turn into something even more serious.

The 5 Stages of Grief 

The 5 Stages of Grief were originally developed for people who were dying. However, it quickly became clear that the stages also apply to people who survived a loved one.

The stages do not have to occur in any specific order. The way they are listed here may be the most common order, but it can differ for different people. You can go through more than one stage at the same time; for example, you can feel angry and depressed at the same time. 

The stages do not have to happen within a specific time frame, especially not with a definite end date, and not everyone experiences all stages. You may just experience denial, bargaining, and acceptance, for example.

Remember they can come and go; you may not experience any of the stages for a while, but then, during the holidays, for example, you may find yourself in the depression stage all over again. 

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loneliness in grief

“Cups and Roles” in Bereavement: Dealing with Loneliness in Grief

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

There are so many layers to the loneliness of grief. When you lose a loved one, you’re not just losing a partner, friend, etc., you are losing the many roles they played in your life. A husband may also be a tennis partner and a date to the symphony. A brother may be a fishing buddy and a chili cook-off teammate. 

No person can ever replace the lost loved one. We can, though, find people who can step into some of the roles the deceased can no longer fill. 

The path toward accepting your new reality after loss is often paved by making necessary adjustments to function in a world without your loved one. This means you will take on a part of the responsibilities of the person who has passed. You will delegate the other part to other people.

It is unlikely that the different roles will all go to one person. The different roles will go into different cups. In grief counseling, I refer to this process as “cups and roles.”

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finding calm

Push Pause: Finding Calm After An Emotional Storm

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Think back to the last time something was really hard for you. Maybe you were stressed out or angry, overwhelmed or sad. Then think about the very next thing you had to do that day. Maybe it was something fun, maybe it wasn’t. Either way, was it easy to switch from swimming in a difficult feeling to crossing off the next item on your to-do list?

Probably not.

After something hard happens (a storm), we need to learn to push pause and find calm. That way we can more easily, and more peacefully, move on to the next activity in our day with awareness and mindfulness.

The way I suggest finding calm is by incorporating a yin activity. Think of yin and yang—the energies we hope to balance in our lives. We associate yin with being, slowing down, deactivating. Yang is associated with doing, quickening, activating. If you’re already at a place of high emotion or distress, going straight into more yang is not going to calm you down even if that activity is fun. But by choosing to focus on yin for a moment, we can find a more neutral zone. Then we can move on with the day.

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yin and the nervous system

The Power of Yin and The Nervous System

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , , ,

Just about everything you’ve done, thought, or felt today has been controlled by your body’s nervous system. Movement, emotions, stress response, healing, sleep, breath, senses, aging, digestion—all happening thanks to this central command center.

Now, think about how many of those factors play into your mental wellbeing! 

Your nervous system is responsible for the “fight or flight” response—one we are all too familiar with in today’s world. Not because many of us ever need to run from a hungry lion, but because of the hectic, high-stress lifestyle that’s become the norm. 

Your nervous system has another function that doesn’t get as much attention as it should: “rest and digest.” This is the calm down. The healing and repairing function. The self-care. Our culture often brushes this side off as unnecessary, or even weak and lazy. 

But if we want a healthy body and mind, we must pay attention to the power of yin and the nervous system.

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yin and yang

About Yin and Yang | Balancing Being and Doing

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , , ,

You’ve no doubt seen the yin/yang symbol before. Maybe in a yoga studio, on a t-shirt, or even tattooed onto the ankle of somebody you know. But do you really know what it means? Let’s dive into the deep meaning of the ancient yin and yang to see how understanding its balance can lead you to a more balanced life.

Yin/Yang: The Basics

The yin/yang symbol is a symbol rooted in Daoism/Taoism, an ancient Chinese philosophy. The yin side is the dark swirl and the yang side is the light swirl. The two swirls combined represent Qi (pronounced CHē). Qi is said to be the source of all creation and to hold all aspects of life, including our life force. 

Boiled down to its essence, yang represents the “doing” parts of life and yin represents the “being” parts of life. 

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emotional balance

Finding Emotional Balance

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

As a culture, we tend to put the emotional and the rational into two separate boxes and keep them miles apart. 

“She can’t lead this company; she’s too emotional.”

“He can’t comfort his crying kids; he’s a ‘facts and figures’ kind of guy.”

Not only do we separate them entirely, but we also place them in a hierarchy.

Logic and reason are placed above feelings and intuition time and time again. When people display emotion, we categorize them as hysterical, hyper-sensitive, weak. When emotions are hidden, we applaud people as being “so strong.” We still put a higher value on physical body care than mental health care. 

Do you know what this separateness and hierarchy does? It makes emotions confusing for people. Because the truth is … OF COURSE you will have emotions. You’re a person. So, where is their proper place? How much is enough but not too much? Are they the enemy of rationality?

At our best, these forces will not be at war with each other, but harmonize with and ultimately strengthen one another. One is not more important than the other. How we respond to them and how we balance them is where the magic happens. Going too far in either extreme can lead to suffering.

  • When we downplay our emotions, stuff them, and don’t listen to them, we are in trouble.
  • When we overplay our emotions, ceaselessly live in them, and feel trapped by them, we are also in trouble.

So, how do we honor our emotions without living perpetually on an emotional rollercoaster? How do we find emotional balance?

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change

Don’t Forget Change Requires Change

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

We all understand that life brings change. We go from college full-time to working full-time to switching careers. We were single and then we were coupled and then maybe single again. We have healthy parents, then aging parents, then someday they’re gone. Everything from government stability to the elasticity of our skin changes. 

Many of us can get that part, whether we like the truth of it or not.

What we tend to struggle with, though, is our reaction to change. We forget that change requires change. What worked for us before may not work for us after. Unless we learn to flow with the change of tides and grow with the change of seasons, we will get stuck. Then we will get sick. 

Life Throws Curveballs

Here’s a scenario:

After having your first baby, you create a new rhythm. You finally find the right nanny and figure out the ideal work schedule to flow with your new life schedule. It’s harder than it was before, sure, but you’re managing parenthood, career, friendships, housework, etc.

When baby #2 is on the way, you may think: “I’m already a parent. I’m already in #momlife or #dadlife. I already have the nanny, the work schedule, the housework schedule, the parent friends, and the baby gear. I’ve got this.”

But then you’re six months into raising this beautiful, brand new baby #2 and everything is a mess. 

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Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕