Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

Thoughts, Feelings & Behaviors

cannot have it all

We Cannot Have It All

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , ,

As a society, we’ve created this narrative that if you dream big and work hard, you can have it all. Well, I’m about to pop that bubble. You cannot have it all. At least, not at the same time.

Here’s the truth: nobody can escape the fact that each of us only has 24 hours in the day. 

We also can’t escape the need for sleep. I know our culture glorifies people who “get by” with four hours, but that mindset is killing us. Decades of research connect poor sleep with heart attack, heart failure, increased blood pressure, stroke, diabetes, lowered immune function, obesity, and accidents. Even if poor sleep doesn’t kill you, it wrecks mental health, relationships, and even productivity.

So 7-8 hours of sleep leaves us with 16-17 hours a day to work with. How shall we spend them? What can we do with the time that is left? We can do just about anything except for everything. 

We only have so much emotional bandwidth, so much mental capacity, and so much physical energy. Guess what that means? You cannot do everything and be everything to everyone.

Anybody who sells you the idea that if you were just better at XYZ then you could do all of the things all of the time has no concept of what it means to be human. Knowing limits and setting boundaries around time is not laziness. It’s the only way to live a wholehearted and healthy life.

We must pick and choose. There are times we must sacrifice what we want (or often, what we think we should want) for what we want more. When we fail to do this, we run ourselves ragged, always on the “hamster wheel,” never taking care of ourselves, and not giving our best to others.

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negative thoughts

Can Feeling Distressed About Negative Thoughts Be Good?

by Sara Cloostermans on category

We all have unwanted, negative thoughts. Sad thoughts, angering thoughts, critical thoughts, scary thoughts. When you experience them frequently enough, it can feel distressing.

  • Why am I thinking this? 
  • Why can’t I just be more positive?
  • Is there something wrong with me?

The problem is not that you are distressed by negative thoughts. In fact, that’s actually what you want to feel. Sound confusing?

We are going to look at why feeling distressed about negative thoughts is a good thing. But don’t worry. We won’t linger in the distress. We’re also going to talk about ways to cope with negative thoughts.

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reframe your thoughts

Learn How To Reframe Your Thoughts

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

You are probably talking to yourself way more than you realize. In fact, researchers believe most of us have over 6,000 thoughts each day. 

  • Some of our thoughts are neutral (“I’ll park in this parking space.”).
  • Some are positive (“Wow! I can’t believe I did that so quickly!).
  • But we also know some are negative (“You’re such an idiot!”).

While we can’t control what thoughts pop into our heads, we can control how we respond to negative, unwanted thoughts. And we can practice techniques to help us increase life-affirming thoughts and decrease distressing thoughts. 

One simple tool is reframing. Instead of shaming yourself for a negative thought (which is often just adding shame upon shame), you can take a moment, look at the situation differently, and talk to yourself with respect and curiosity.

Why Reframe Your Thoughts?

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evaluate unwanted thoughts

How To Evaluate Unwanted Thoughts (& Why You Should)

by Sara Cloostermans on category

You may have noticed that you talk to yourself all day long, which is what we often refer to as your “inner voice” or “self-talk.” The way you talk to yourself is ideally constructive, sometimes even healing, but usually neutral and harmless. 

Unfortunately, however, self-talk can also be critical and destructive. 

Because your thoughts have such a strong impact on your overall well-being, it is important to pay attention to them, especially the negative ones. If you are someone who is particularly hard on yourself and would like to start treating yourself more kindly, now is as good a time as any to become more mindful of your internal dialogue.

How To Evaluate Your Unwanted Thoughts

Here’s a simple system to evaluate your negative thoughts, Ask & Gauge:

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emotional balance

Finding Emotional Balance

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

As a culture, we tend to put the emotional and the rational into two separate boxes and keep them miles apart. 

“She can’t lead this company; she’s too emotional.”

“He can’t comfort his crying kids; he’s a ‘facts and figures’ kind of guy.”

Not only do we separate them entirely, but we also place them in a hierarchy.

Logic and reason are placed above feelings and intuition time and time again. When people display emotion, we categorize them as hysterical, hyper-sensitive, weak. When emotions are hidden, we applaud people as being “so strong.” We still put a higher value on physical body care than mental health care. 

Do you know what this separateness and hierarchy does? It makes emotions confusing for people. Because the truth is … OF COURSE you will have emotions. You’re a person. So, where is their proper place? How much is enough but not too much? Are they the enemy of rationality?

At our best, these forces will not be at war with each other, but harmonize with and ultimately strengthen one another. One is not more important than the other. How we respond to them and how we balance them is where the magic happens. Going too far in either extreme can lead to suffering.

  • When we downplay our emotions, stuff them, and don’t listen to them, we are in trouble.
  • When we overplay our emotions, ceaselessly live in them, and feel trapped by them, we are also in trouble.

So, how do we honor our emotions without living perpetually on an emotional rollercoaster? How do we find emotional balance?

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helper's high

Helper’s High: Doing Good Is Good For You

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Humans are social. We need each other. We’ve all heard the refrain “I get by with a little help from my friends,” but the opposite is just as true: we also get by when we help our friends.

Person A needs some help. Person B offers that help. Person A feels better because … well … they got what they needed. But Person B feels better too. 

This phenomenon is “The Helper’s High” or “The Happiness Trifecta.”

The Science Behind The Helper’s High

When people help others, the brain releases chemicals that make them feel good (source) (source).  These three hormones are:

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how to change | stages of change

Feeling Stuck? “The Stages of Change” Can Help

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

How many of us go through our days either oblivious to or expertly avoiding positive change we need to make for a more fulfilling and wholehearted life? At least most of us at some point, right?

Or how about this common story? We finally decide to pay attention and recognize our issues, but we get stuck. We need to lose weight, improve relationships, set boundaries, spend more time with the kids, go back to school, quit a substance, go to therapy. We’re full of good intentions right at the start. You get the at-home gym equipment, you pour the alcohol down the drain … and then … nothing … you’re back to where you started.

Why is successful and stable change hard?

Well, the good news is … it’s not just you. 

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change

Don’t Forget Change Requires Change

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

We all understand that life brings change. We go from college full-time to working full-time to switching careers. We were single and then we were coupled and then maybe single again. We have healthy parents, then aging parents, then someday they’re gone. Everything from government stability to the elasticity of our skin changes. 

Many of us can get that part, whether we like the truth of it or not.

What we tend to struggle with, though, is our reaction to change. We forget that change requires change. What worked for us before may not work for us after. Unless we learn to flow with the change of tides and grow with the change of seasons, we will get stuck. Then we will get sick. 

Life Throws Curveballs

Here’s a scenario:

After having your first baby, you create a new rhythm. You finally find the right nanny and figure out the ideal work schedule to flow with your new life schedule. It’s harder than it was before, sure, but you’re managing parenthood, career, friendships, housework, etc.

When baby #2 is on the way, you may think: “I’m already a parent. I’m already in #momlife or #dadlife. I already have the nanny, the work schedule, the housework schedule, the parent friends, and the baby gear. I’ve got this.”

But then you’re six months into raising this beautiful, brand new baby #2 and everything is a mess. 

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Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕