Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

Relationships | Communication

Tips to Help New Moms and Their Families throughout Pregnancy and Postpartum

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Both pregnancy and postpartum, especially “the fourth trimester,” the first 3 months after parents bring their newborn infant home, need a lot more of our attention if the goal is to help parents successfully transition into parenthood.

It is a time that is characterized by significant emotional, physical, and practical lifestyle adjustments (incl. financial), which can be extremely overwhelming and taxing on the new parents’ well-being. It is therefore essential we apply a holistic approach to effectively support growing families, so we can empower them to navigate this transformative period with more confidence and ease.

3 Tips to Help Women During Pregnancy

1. Validate, Validate, Validate

Everyone’s experience during pregnancy is different. Some women feel the glow; others feel utterly miserable. Some women love being pregnant; others hate it. All of it is normal. Whatever it turns out to be is real, and therefore valid, for each individual pregnant woman.

So validate her.

If she is in her happiest glow and feeling amazing – relish in it with her. Don’t bombard her with “Just you wait…” or “Sleep now because you’ll never sleep again!” types of comments.

If she is really struggling physically or mentally – hold space for her. Don’t shame her with “But it’s such a miracle!” or “You’d feel better if you were more positive…” types of comments.

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The 3 Rs in Relationships and 10 Fair Fighting Rules

by Sara Cloostermans on category

Here’s a little secret I have discovered in my 20 years of being a therapist (as well as in my personal life:) everyone fights. Everyone.

The mark of a healthy relationship isn’t the absence of disagreement or conflict. The mark of a healthy relationship is handling disagreement and conflict well. Approaching it as a team. Fighting fairly. Focusing on repairing what has been ruptured. Apologizing and accepting apologies.

Do you want your relationship to reach the point where you can confidently say that you’re fighting PRODUCTIVELY instead of DESTRUCTIVELY? If so, take a look at the following two steps:

Step 1: Understand the 3 Rs.

Step 2: Memorize the 10 Fair Fighting Rules.

What Are The 3 Rs in Relationships?

The 3 Rs in relationships are:

  1. RUPTURE
  2. RECOVERY
  3. REPAIR

1. What is a relationship rupture after a fight?

A rupture is a conflict or a break in connection between people.

The “size” (small or large) of the rupture depends on the intensity, frequency, and duration of your fights:

  • Intensity: how intense are your fights?
    • healthy or small disagreements, or “spats”
    • normal or regular arguments 
    • toxic or big “blow-ups,” incl. the “explosion” (aggressive) stage in the cycle of violence
    • anywhere in between
  • Frequency: how often do you fight?
    • one-time
    • regularly 
    • constantly
    • anywhere in between
  • Duration: how long do your fights typically last?
    • minutes
    • hours
    • days
    • anywhere in between

2. What is recovery after a relationship rupture?

Recovery is the length of time it takes people to “bounce back” after a rupture. The larger the rupture, the longer it may take to recover.

  • How long does it take you to become emotionally regulated again?
  • How long does it take you to process and integrate what occurred?
  • How long does it take you to create a narrative of what happened that you can move forward with?
  • How long does it take you to “forgive and forget”? 
  • How long does it take you to be able to transition from recovery to repair?

3. What is repair after a relationship recovery?

Relationship repair is restoring harmony or connection after recovery. The larger the rupture and the slower the recovery, the harder it may be to repair.

How to repair? 

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toxic gossip

Toxic Gossip: Why We Need To Give It Up For Good

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Co-worker gossip, family gossip, friend group gossip, school pick-up gossip, celebrity gossip, church gossip, neighborhood gossip—there’s a whole platter of “you’ll never believe what they did” to choose from. 

At some point, we all have ingested, participated in, or even instigated gossip—some of us more than others, but no one is guilt-free.

We do it even though we know we shouldn’t do it, right?

After all, gossip is all about taking someone down who cannot defend themselves. It’s one-sided. This means it’s easy, and in the moment, can feel harmless. Yet, at worst, gossip can ruin somebody’s life. Even at its best, nothing good ever comes of it. The passive communication method means there is no growth, no real solution. The same story is just repeated while nothing changes.

Why then do we do it?

Social scientist and researcher Brené Brown suggests we gossip in order to “hotwire connection.” It’s a quick and easy way to feel like we have made an instant bond with a person or group we want to connect with. It almost feels like we are being vulnerable, but actually, we are exploiting others by using their vulnerabilities, so we can feel better than them and better about ourselves.

How do we quit?

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boundaries

Respecting The V: A Boundaries Tool

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Figuring out boundaries can be hard. We know we need them, but our inner monologue is confusing: How much is enough? How much is too much? Where do I start? What if it leads to missed opportunities? What if I hurt somebody’s feelings in the process? 

Learning simple tools or skills along the way can make creating and maintaining boundaries easier. One tool to add to your toolbox is something I like to call “Respecting The V.” It’s especially great for those who like a good visual.

“Respecting The V” is simple. Think about a V shape. The bottom of a V is closed, the two lines touch completely and there is no space between them. As you go up the V, the two lines slowly and evenly open up.

That model is a great way to begin and evolve your boundaries. You start with the teeniest tiniest amount of openness. As time goes on and the other person or institution earns your trust, you can start moving up the V, adding more space and flexibility.

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vulnerable with someone

How To Know If It’s Safe To Be Vulnerable With Someone or Not

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

There’s a lot of discussion on how to be vulnerable and why to be vulnerable, but an equally important conversation is who to be vulnerable with. The key to vulnerability doesn’t rest in showing every person you come in contact with your authentic, fully exposed thoughts and emotions. 

None of us would let just anybody hold our baby, or house-sit, or have access to passwords or accounts. Why then would we hand over our most sacred and deeply personal feelings, experiences, traumas, grief, or even hopes and dreams to people who have not gained our trust?

“Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure, and it’s not celebrity-style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.”

Brené Brown

On the surface level, it seems that it would be easy to pinpoint who to be vulnerable with. But in real life, the idea can turn gray. People like spouses, parents, siblings, and long-time “best” friends are not always the automatically safe people we want them to be. So who is safe to be vulnerable with?

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Boundaries when caring for a grieving person

Boundaries When Caring For A Grieving Person

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

We recently talked about creating a safe holding space for a grieving loved one. That’s when you carefully see them through their mourning journey by using communication skills that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. 

Those three communication skills are: 

  1. Actively listening without interruption
  2. Validating without the need to fix anything
  3. Reflecting back feelings without adding interpretations

These same communication skills are some of the “basic attending skills” used in counseling to deepen the connection between the therapist and the client. They are meant to encourage clients to safely share their vulnerabilities with the hope that, because there is now a “shared experience” through storytelling, the clients’ emotional burden becomes lighter as time goes on. 

This work is not easy.

That’s why it’s important to consider boundaries when caring for a grieving person.

Being there for someone through what may be their most painful or, depending on the type of loss, the most traumatic time in their life, is extremely hard and is not for everyone.

If this is beyond your capabilities, that is completely fine too. What I feel you do owe the grieving person, however, is that you make a mindful decision about whether or not you are cut out for this type of work. 

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care package for grieving friend

Showing Love with a DIY Care Package For a Grieving Friend

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

When somebody you care about is grieving, it can be difficult to figure out what to do to support them. Try thinking through the love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch.

In a previous blog post , we discussed the idea of providing a safe holding space for the bereaved by using communication skills that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. This counts as words of affirmation, quality time, and perhaps physical touch (a hug, pat on the back, holding their hand, etc.)

This all, of course, is not easy. And there are many reasons why you might not be able to be a main pillar of support for this grieving person. There are plenty of other, more cautious, ways you can show love and support, such as sending a DIY care package to a grieving friend. This counts as acts of service and gifts.

But buying gift baskets online tends to be quite expensive. Moreover, online services do not always offer the best products. When it comes to lotions, soaps, and scented oils, it is extra important to buy only the healthy stuff since their different properties are entering our bodies. Better to buy just one or two high-quality items than many different products that contain bad chemicals. 

These are all the reasons why, when I send gifts to my loved ones who are grieving, I like to put my own package together. 

Items For A DIY Care Package

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say to a grieving person

Do’s and Don’ts—What To Say and Not To Say To a Grieving Person 

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Does this sound familiar? Somebody you care about has just experienced a painful loss. You want to comfort them with your words, but you’re afraid you’ll accidentally say the wrong thing. Or maybe your mind goes blank. You have no idea what to say to a grieving person.

Here are 10 ideas of what to say and what to avoid. These are all real-life examples pulled from both my personal and my clients’ experiences around loss (let’s call the grieving person “Andrea” and the person she lost “Carl”).

10 Things Not To Say To A Grieving Person (& What To Say Instead) 

1. Don’t ask probing questions. Do ask general open-ended questions.

DON’T: “How did Carl die?” Or worse, “How did he take his life?” (when someone died by suicide). 

Just ask a more general question, such as “What happened?” or “How/When/Where did you find out about Carl’s passing?” Then, Andrea can give you as little or as much information as she wants, which may not include the cause of death.

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communication skills for grief

Creating A Safe Holding Space: Communication Skills For Grief

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

When you create a safe holding space for a grieving loved one, you carefully see them through their mourning journey by using communication skills for grief that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. 

Some of these communication skills are: 

1. Actively listening without interruption

2. Validating without the need to fix anything

3. Reflecting back feelings without adding interpretations

These communication skills are some of the “basic attending skills” used in counseling to deepen the connection between the therapist and the client. They are meant to encourage clients to safely share their vulnerabilities with the hope that, because there is now a “shared experience” through storytelling, the clients’ emotional burden becomes lighter as time goes on. 

…

Read On

Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕