Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

Lifestyle Secrets

Who + What Do I Put First – a Life Priority Workbook

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Let me ask you a few questions:

  • Do you ever feel stretched too thin? Like it’s impossible to keep up with your many relationships and endless action items?
  • Do you try to be everything to everybody?
  • Do you try to do it all?
  • Do you feel disconnected from the most important people in your life?
  • Do you ever feel like you’ve lost sight of not only who is important, but also what is important because you have way too many goals and not nearly enough time?

My guess is you’ve answered yes to at least one or two of these questions. I’m a therapist. I talk to people just like you every day. And I know the pressures we are all facing to do it all and be it all … and I also know that a never-ending to-do list often leaves us with competing priorities and a life that doesn’t always feel aligned with our values.

That’s why I created this FREE downloadable workbook: Who + What Do I Put First?

Through the simple exercises in this workbook, you will be able to identify, evaluate, and determine what your personal priorities are with both the people in your life (including yourself!) and your to-do list.

How are you spending your time, money, and energy? Is this working for you? If it is, keep going. If it is not, it may be time for change.

This information allows you to set actionable goals that help you feel more aligned with your values.

This leads to healthier relationships and a more valued life.

Who Do I Put First? Relationship Priorities

The Who Do I Put First? worksheets provide a clear picture of which relationships you are currently prioritizing and which relationships you need or want to be prioritizing instead if your goal is to have deeper connections and healthier relationships with the people in your life who matter most to you.

What Do I Put First? Values Priorities

Each one of us has limited time and resources, yet it feels like our society is constantly pulling us here and there and everywhere – pressuring us to do everything all at once.

You’re a human being. You can’t do it all (nor have it all) and definitely not all at the same time – attempting to do so is a recipe for burnout, leaving you feeling exhausted, powerless, and resentful.

The What Do I Put First? worksheets help you figure out which action items you value most (either because you have to, or you want to). Regardless of if your action is a need or a want, when you approach your action schedule in alignment with your true values, you will go about your days in a more authentic and fulfilling way.

Values in action (and action in values) bring peace and purpose.

Yield2Yin

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demystifying psychotherapy

Demystifying Psychotherapy

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

If you’ve never been to therapy before, the whole experience may feel like being the new kid at school … or the new hire at a well-established company … You don’t know who everybody is, where to go, how things operate, where you should put your bag, or if they’ll be nice to you at lunch.

This blog serves as the sidekick to show you the ropes. We’re demystifying psychotherapy. What therapy is. Who you can see. The types of sessions to expect. The goals.

Here are two things to realize up front:

First off – the taboo nature of going to therapy greatly decreased amid the pandemic – more people from across all demographics are accepting the idea that, just like we should see physical health specialists when we have physical health concerns, we need to see mental health professionals when we have mental health issues.

Next – therapy is for everyone. Not only for people who are on the brink of divorce or people who have experienced trauma or have other forms of mental health concerns. Every single human being benefits from therapy in the same way everyone benefits from checkups at the doctor or regular exercise or a healthy diet. It’s an act of self-care.

What Is Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy is a type of therapy that helps people who are facing mental health challenges improve their overall well-being. By far the most common client complaints therapists come across are clients being impacted by symptoms of depression and/or anxiety (at various levels of severity).

Why Go To Therapy?

Here are some of the most common treatment objectives in psychotherapy:

  • psycho-education (for example, someone experiencing anxiety learning about the sympathetic nervous system, or fight/flight/freeze/fawn response, and the parasympathetic nervous system, aka the rest and digest response)
  • emotional regulation (breathwork meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, validating feelings, compassionate self-care actions, self-soothing talk, etc.)
  • stress reduction and improved coping skills (yoga, journaling, exercise, socializing, calming music, dance, art, nature activities, etc.)
  • trigger identification – ask yourself: “What started or worsened my symptoms?” (incl. trauma triggers with PTSD)
  • behavioral changes (time management, bedtime routine, environmental changes, rewards, etc.)
  • cognitive work (awareness of thinking errors, cognitive restructuring, coherent and constructive narrative of one’s life story)
  • improved communication skills (active listening, paraphrasing, being mindful of non-verbal communication and tone, assertiveness and boundary skills, etc.)

How Do I Choose My Therapist?

Look for someone who is credentialed to provide psychotherapy (and ask them about their clinical expertise):

  • Psychiatrist, M.D. (doctor of medicine who specializes in psychiatry)
    • Can they prescribe medications? – yes
    • Can they administer and interpret psychological testing? – a psychiatrist will refer you to a psychologist for psychological testing and to a neuropsychologist for neuropsychological testing because they are the ones who are expertly trained in these areas
    • Can they teach at college level? – a psychiatrist is more likely to teach students in medical school or psychiatry students doing their psychiatric residency than to teach students in a psychology program; a psychiatrist can also be a guest lecturer on topics such as anatomy or physiology in other health science graduate programs.
  • Licensed Psychologist – Ph.D. or Psy.D. (they are NOT medical doctors, but have a doctorate degree in psychology)
    • Can they prescribe medications? typically not, but in certain states, they are allowed to prescribe psychotropic medications with additional training (not in California)
    • Can they administer and interpret psychological testing? – yes
    • Can they teach at college level? – yes, they can teach students who are obtaining a doctorate degree in psychology as well as master’s degree and undergraduate degree students with a psychology major
  • Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist – LMFT (master’s degree)
  • Licensed Professional (Clinical) Counselors LPCC or LPC – (master’s degree)
  • Licensed Clinical Social Workers, LCSW – (master’s degree)
    • Can they prescribe medications – no
    • Can they administer and interpret psychological testing – no
    • Can they teach at college level? – yes, they can teach students who are obtaining a master’s degree in their same field as well as undergraduate degree students with the same major (marriage and family therapy, social work, and counseling respectively)

FYI – a life coach has no formal education in psychology and is not licensed to practice psychotherapy.

Look for some of or all of these 10 traits when screening different therapists during your initial phone call or your first/intake session:

What Are The Different Formats Of Therapy?

There are four different formats of psychotherapy (individual, group, couples, and family) and each format has several different approaches (aka orientations, theories, or schools of thought) to therapy – with each format, I am adding a list of five different approaches to therapy, but the number of approaches listed below is not exhaustive. Keep in mind that the same therapy approach can be used in some or all of the different formats.

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How To Be More Generous

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Here are two things people often get wrong when it comes to generosity:

  • Myth #1: Generosity is all about money
  • Myth #2: Generosity is a trait of the well-resourced only

The truth is generosity can of course relate to money, but it is also about acts of service, time, and attention.

Furthermore, generosity is an attitude, a personality trait. It is more about your relationship with money, with your career, and with time and attention than it is about the amount of money you make, your daily to-do list, and the amount of time and attention you have available. It is about what you value and what you prioritize.

Just like we have a relationship with people, we have a relationship with concepts as well. Not only with concepts such as our money, the action items on our agenda, and our time and attention, but also with many other concepts, such as food, alcohol, exercise, social media, and so on.

  • Are your relationships with your money, your to-do list, and your time healthy or unhealthy?
  • In other words, do you have a healthy attachment or an unhealthy attachment to these 3 concepts?
  • Are you securely attached or are you anxiously attached to your money, your to-do list, and your time available?

Let’s break down these forms of generosity and some common blocks people have from fully stepping into a generous spirit.

Financial Generosity

It is not because someone has more money that they are more generous with their money. More resources does not automatically mean more generosity. For example, just because somebody has a lot of extra time does not necessarily mean they exercise more than somebody who is often crunched for time.

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life is unfair

The Duality of Life: Finding Empathy and Meaning When Life Is Unfair

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , ,

Around this little corner of the internet, we often discuss the yin and yang of life. The light and the dark. The joy and the pain. The go-go-go and the slow down. We’ve seen how these yin and yang forces are more complementary than opposing. 

This same concept brings us to a reality of humanness—the duality of life, I call it—which can look like this:

The worst day for someone can be the best day for someone else.

  • One family loses their dream house due to a foreclosure. That house goes on the market and becomes another family’s dream house they otherwise couldn’t have afforded.
  • One man dies and his heart is donated; one man lives because of that donated heart.
  • One woman places her baby for adoption; another woman is finally able to have a baby because of the first woman’s adoption placement choice.

Throughout our lives, we will be on both sides of this equation. Sometimes the “unfairness” of life tips in our favor, and sometimes it leaves us crushed and devastated.

Either way, how we respond to these scenarios is how we grow, how we step into our full humanity, and how we gain valuable skills like empathy and resilience.

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toxic gossip

Toxic Gossip: Why We Need To Give It Up For Good

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Co-worker gossip, family gossip, friend group gossip, school pick-up gossip, celebrity gossip, church gossip, neighborhood gossip—there’s a whole platter of “you’ll never believe what they did” to choose from. 

At some point, we all have ingested, participated in, or even instigated gossip—some of us more than others, but no one is guilt-free.

We do it even though we know we shouldn’t do it, right?

After all, gossip is all about taking someone down who cannot defend themselves. It’s one-sided. This means it’s easy, and in the moment, can feel harmless. Yet, at worst, gossip can ruin somebody’s life. Even at its best, nothing good ever comes of it. The passive communication method means there is no growth, no real solution. The same story is just repeated while nothing changes.

Why then do we do it?

Social scientist and researcher Brené Brown suggests we gossip in order to “hotwire connection.” It’s a quick and easy way to feel like we have made an instant bond with a person or group we want to connect with. It almost feels like we are being vulnerable, but actually, we are exploiting others by using their vulnerabilities, so we can feel better than them and better about ourselves.

How do we quit?

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boundaries

Respecting The V: A Boundaries Tool

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

Figuring out boundaries can be hard. We know we need them, but our inner monologue is confusing: How much is enough? How much is too much? Where do I start? What if it leads to missed opportunities? What if I hurt somebody’s feelings in the process? 

Learning simple tools or skills along the way can make creating and maintaining boundaries easier. One tool to add to your toolbox is something I like to call “Respecting The V.” It’s especially great for those who like a good visual.

“Respecting The V” is simple. Think about a V shape. The bottom of a V is closed, the two lines touch completely and there is no space between them. As you go up the V, the two lines slowly and evenly open up.

That model is a great way to begin and evolve your boundaries. You start with the teeniest tiniest amount of openness. As time goes on and the other person or institution earns your trust, you can start moving up the V, adding more space and flexibility.

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vulnerable with someone

How To Know If It’s Safe To Be Vulnerable With Someone or Not

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

There’s a lot of discussion on how to be vulnerable and why to be vulnerable, but an equally important conversation is who to be vulnerable with. The key to vulnerability doesn’t rest in showing every person you come in contact with your authentic, fully exposed thoughts and emotions. 

None of us would let just anybody hold our baby, or house-sit, or have access to passwords or accounts. Why then would we hand over our most sacred and deeply personal feelings, experiences, traumas, grief, or even hopes and dreams to people who have not gained our trust?

“Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure, and it’s not celebrity-style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.”

Brené Brown

On the surface level, it seems that it would be easy to pinpoint who to be vulnerable with. But in real life, the idea can turn gray. People like spouses, parents, siblings, and long-time “best” friends are not always the automatically safe people we want them to be. So who is safe to be vulnerable with?

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hard work is relative

Hard Work Is Relative, So Be Compassionate

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

We are a judgmental bunch when it comes to ranking the hard work of others. We look at a very specific set of metrics without considering any background information and start making pronouncements: he is such a hard worker, she is so productive, he is really lazy, she is a total couch potato.

When we see a “high-achieving” person who works ten hours a day to build a business, and still fits in time for exercise, meal prep, meditation, children, etc., we call them a hard worker. And that’s fair … they are working hard.

We look at somebody who’s been home all day on the couch and say “lazy.” But here’s the truth: they might be working just as hard, maybe even harder.

  • “Person A” may be in great mental and physical health with a personality that thrives on staying busy. They may have resources to help them like a nanny or a cleaning service.
  • “Person B” could be suffering from severe depression or a physical disability that makes walking back and forth to the bathroom the hardest task in the world. The act of taking a shower may have felt impossible—and they did it anyway. 

The concept of hard work is relative. What is a person dealing with behind the scenes? What’s going on that we can’t see? What are their thoughts, their feelings? Do they have trauma triggers? Are they in physical pain?

No two humans and their sets of circumstances are ever alike, so comparing exertion and productivity is impossible. 

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parenting with common sense

Parenting With Common Sense That’s Not All That Common

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

I’ve worked with many parents throughout the years and have noticed a common scenario plays out over and over. A child becomes emotionally dysregulated for a variety of reasons. Cue: temper tantrum, meltdown, etc. The parent gets caught up in that emotional spiral and becomes dysregulated too. They then make a choice based on dysregulated emotions instead of doing what they know to be the right decision for the greater good.

Often they are afraid of being the “bad dad” or the “bad mom”–or maybe they’re just feeling too exhausted to do anything but give in. But a parent who is grounded in reality instead of matching a dysregulated child emotion for emotion is being the “good dad” or “good mom.”

I get it. We don’t want to see our babies hurt or uncomfortable. No parent enjoys that. But we all know life does bring hurt and discomfort. It is our job as parents to teach and guide these young ones through hard things. How then do we parent a child who has become emotionally dysregulated without becoming emotionally dysregulated ourselves?

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yin and the nervous system

The Power of Yin and The Nervous System

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , , ,

Just about everything you’ve done, thought, or felt today has been controlled by your body’s nervous system. Movement, emotions, stress response, healing, sleep, breath, senses, aging, digestion—all happening thanks to this central command center.

Now, think about how many of those factors play into your mental wellbeing! 

Your nervous system is responsible for the “fight or flight” response—one we are all too familiar with in today’s world. Not because many of us ever need to run from a hungry lion, but because of the hectic, high-stress lifestyle that’s become the norm. 

Your nervous system has another function that doesn’t get as much attention as it should: “rest and digest.” This is the calm down. The healing and repairing function. The self-care. Our culture often brushes this side off as unnecessary, or even weak and lazy. 

But if we want a healthy body and mind, we must pay attention to the power of yin and the nervous system.

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Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕