Yield2Yin

A Therapist's Advice

A Yield2Yin Approach to Life by Sara Cloostermans, MA, LMFT, LPCC

Grief & Loss

life is unfair

The Duality of Life: Finding Empathy and Meaning When Life Is Unfair

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , ,

Around this little corner of the internet, we often discuss the yin and yang of life. The light and the dark. The joy and the pain. The go-go-go and the slow down. We’ve seen how these yin and yang forces are more complementary than opposing. 

This same concept brings us to a reality of humanness—the duality of life, I call it—which can look like this:

The worst day for someone can be the best day for someone else.

  • One family loses their dream house due to a foreclosure. That house goes on the market and becomes another family’s dream house they otherwise couldn’t have afforded.
  • One man dies and his heart is donated; one man lives because of that donated heart.
  • One woman places her baby for adoption; another woman is finally able to have a baby because of the first woman’s adoption placement choice.

Throughout our lives, we will be on both sides of this equation. Sometimes the “unfairness” of life tips in our favor, and sometimes it leaves us crushed and devastated.

Either way, how we respond to these scenarios is how we grow, how we step into our full humanity, and how we gain valuable skills like empathy and resilience.

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breathe through discomfort

How To Breathe Through Discomfort or Pain

by Sara Cloostermans on category , , ,

When I work with clients as they are describing an uncomfortable or painful feeling, I ask them “where in your body are you feeling this?”  They often respond with, “What do you mean?”, “I have never thought about this, so I’m not sure,” or “I don’t think I feel anything.”

Ironically, feelings are called “feelings” because we FEEL them. If someone tells me they don’t feel anything, I inquire about their physical health and check if I can make a connection that way. If they tell me that they have no physical complaints, I ask them if they spend a lot of time in their head, and if so, we just focus on that. 

In this case, I also make sure to explain dissociation. I double check and ask again about potential physical complaints, but more specifically this time: “Do you ever suffer from headaches or migraines?”

My goal is not to be right, but to have my clients start making links between their bodies, minds, and souls, basically to approach their life holistically, so that they will be able to do the same for themselves outside of our therapy space.

Holding Our Emotions

When clients tell me that they feel as if they are “suffocating,” it is almost predictable that they hold their feelings in their throat and neck area. This makes sense, right?

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7 Things To Remember When Someone You Love Is Dying

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Even though many people experience at least one or two great losses over the course of their lives, that doesn’t mean you know what to do or how to think or feel when you’re in the midst of bereavement—or expecting upcoming loss.

If you are feeling confused, emotional, numb, angry, distracted, etc., that is all considered completely normal. There is not a singular correct way to process an upcoming death. There are, though, a few truths that can help guide you and center you throughout this painful time when someone you love is dying.

1. Loss is universal and unpredictable—be grateful for the day-to-day little joys

We will likely experience several significant losses at different points in our life. Unless we die first of course, but let’s not do that 😉.  There is no easy way around loss if you think about it since the only options are either dying first or surviving people we deeply care about. 

I look at my in-laws—both in their eighties and in good health. When people comment on their old age, my father-in-law says, “better than the alternative.” True, but think of how many losses both have experienced. They have survived parents, siblings, friends, including some of their best childhood friends, close neighbors, former coworkers who became friends, and so on. The truth is we either die young and experience little to no loss, we die old and experience lots of loss, or we end up somewhere between the two on the “age-of-death continuum,” and still experience a fair amount of loss.

Ideally, in a “fair” world, we want loss to happen in chronological order, the oldest dying first, yet we know that is not the case.

Maybe the answer to loss is to accept mortality, including the “randomness” and “unfairness” of it all and, as we are going through the stages of grief, to find ways to practice gratitude for the small joys in everyday life.

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grieving a loss

10 Things To Do When You’re Grieving A Loss (and how to honor your loved one)

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Grieving the loss of a loved one is such an intense emotional experience—you’re coping with complex layers of different feelings from denial to depression, anger to sometimes even relief. (For more on the stages of grief, see my blog “Understanding Grief” here). 

Finding healthy ways to care gently for yourself during a time of great loss allows you space to deal with the waves of pain and distress. That way, in time, you can move toward acceptance.

10 Things To Do When Grieving a Loss

  1. Practice increased self-care: Make sure to include sensory experiences.  
  1. Take time off work for a while: Do so if that is what you need or want. 
  1. Lay off the alcohol, and maybe even the caffeine: Wait until you feel emotionally stable again.

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understanding grief

Understanding Grief: What Does Grief Feel Like?

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Grief looks so different from person to person and situation to situation, so it would be overly simplistic to suggest that I could describe exactly what grief feels like. That being said, it’s my hope to share a few ideas that will help you understand grief—things like the commonalities that many people share in their types of grief and signs that grief may turn into something even more serious.

The 5 Stages of Grief 

The 5 Stages of Grief were originally developed for people who were dying. However, it quickly became clear that the stages also apply to people who survived a loved one.

The stages do not have to occur in any specific order. The way they are listed here may be the most common order, but it can differ for different people. You can go through more than one stage at the same time; for example, you can feel angry and depressed at the same time. 

The stages do not have to happen within a specific time frame, especially not with a definite end date, and not everyone experiences all stages. You may just experience denial, bargaining, and acceptance, for example.

Remember they can come and go; you may not experience any of the stages for a while, but then, during the holidays, for example, you may find yourself in the depression stage all over again. 

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loneliness in grief

“Cups and Roles” in Bereavement: Dealing with Loneliness in Grief

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

There are so many layers to the loneliness of grief. When you lose a loved one, you’re not just losing a partner, friend, etc., you are losing the many roles they played in your life. A husband may also be a tennis partner and a date to the symphony. A brother may be a fishing buddy and a chili cook-off teammate. 

No person can ever replace the lost loved one. We can, though, find people who can step into some of the roles the deceased can no longer fill. 

The path toward accepting your new reality after loss is often paved by making necessary adjustments to function in a world without your loved one. This means you will take on a part of the responsibilities of the person who has passed. You will delegate the other part to other people.

It is unlikely that the different roles will all go to one person. The different roles will go into different cups. In grief counseling, I refer to this process as “cups and roles.”

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Boundaries when caring for a grieving person

Boundaries When Caring For A Grieving Person

by Sara Cloostermans on category , ,

We recently talked about creating a safe holding space for a grieving loved one. That’s when you carefully see them through their mourning journey by using communication skills that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. 

Those three communication skills are: 

  1. Actively listening without interruption
  2. Validating without the need to fix anything
  3. Reflecting back feelings without adding interpretations

These same communication skills are some of the “basic attending skills” used in counseling to deepen the connection between the therapist and the client. They are meant to encourage clients to safely share their vulnerabilities with the hope that, because there is now a “shared experience” through storytelling, the clients’ emotional burden becomes lighter as time goes on. 

This work is not easy.

That’s why it’s important to consider boundaries when caring for a grieving person.

Being there for someone through what may be their most painful or, depending on the type of loss, the most traumatic time in their life, is extremely hard and is not for everyone.

If this is beyond your capabilities, that is completely fine too. What I feel you do owe the grieving person, however, is that you make a mindful decision about whether or not you are cut out for this type of work. 

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care package for grieving friend

Showing Love with a DIY Care Package For a Grieving Friend

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

When somebody you care about is grieving, it can be difficult to figure out what to do to support them. Try thinking through the love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch.

In a previous blog post , we discussed the idea of providing a safe holding space for the bereaved by using communication skills that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. This counts as words of affirmation, quality time, and perhaps physical touch (a hug, pat on the back, holding their hand, etc.)

This all, of course, is not easy. And there are many reasons why you might not be able to be a main pillar of support for this grieving person. There are plenty of other, more cautious, ways you can show love and support, such as sending a DIY care package to a grieving friend. This counts as acts of service and gifts.

But buying gift baskets online tends to be quite expensive. Moreover, online services do not always offer the best products. When it comes to lotions, soaps, and scented oils, it is extra important to buy only the healthy stuff since their different properties are entering our bodies. Better to buy just one or two high-quality items than many different products that contain bad chemicals. 

These are all the reasons why, when I send gifts to my loved ones who are grieving, I like to put my own package together. 

Items For A DIY Care Package

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say to a grieving person

Do’s and Don’ts—What To Say and Not To Say To a Grieving Person 

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

Does this sound familiar? Somebody you care about has just experienced a painful loss. You want to comfort them with your words, but you’re afraid you’ll accidentally say the wrong thing. Or maybe your mind goes blank. You have no idea what to say to a grieving person.

Here are 10 ideas of what to say and what to avoid. These are all real-life examples pulled from both my personal and my clients’ experiences around loss (let’s call the grieving person “Andrea” and the person she lost “Carl”).

10 Things Not To Say To A Grieving Person (& What To Say Instead) 

1. Don’t ask probing questions. Do ask general open-ended questions.

DON’T: “How did Carl die?” Or worse, “How did he take his life?” (when someone died by suicide). 

Just ask a more general question, such as “What happened?” or “How/When/Where did you find out about Carl’s passing?” Then, Andrea can give you as little or as much information as she wants, which may not include the cause of death.

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communication skills for grief

Creating A Safe Holding Space: Communication Skills For Grief

by Sara Cloostermans on category ,

When you create a safe holding space for a grieving loved one, you carefully see them through their mourning journey by using communication skills for grief that show acceptance and understanding, genuine empathy, as well as care and support. 

Some of these communication skills are: 

1. Actively listening without interruption

2. Validating without the need to fix anything

3. Reflecting back feelings without adding interpretations

These communication skills are some of the “basic attending skills” used in counseling to deepen the connection between the therapist and the client. They are meant to encourage clients to safely share their vulnerabilities with the hope that, because there is now a “shared experience” through storytelling, the clients’ emotional burden becomes lighter as time goes on. 

…

Read On

Spark in stillness
Soul in silence
✕