Family | Parenting

Respecting The V: A Boundaries Tool

by Sara Cloostermans on Aug 8, 2022 category Family | Parenting, Lifestyle Secrets, Relationships | Communication

Figuring out boundaries can be hard. We know we need them, but our inner monologue is confusing: How much is enough? How much is too much? Where do I start? What if it leads to missed opportunities? What if I hurt somebody’s feelings in the process?

Learning simple tools or skills along the way can make creating and maintaining boundaries easier. One tool to add to your toolbox is something I like to call “Respecting The V.” It’s especially great for those who like a good visual.

“Respecting The V” is simple. Think about a V shape. The bottom of a V is closed, the two lines touch completely and there is no space between them. As you go up the V, the two lines slowly and evenly open up.

That model is a great way to begin and evolve your boundaries. You start with the teeniest tiniest amount of openness. As time goes on and the other person or institution earns your trust, you can start moving up the V, adding more space and flexibility.

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Parenting With Common Sense That’s Not All That Common

by Sara Cloostermans on May 23, 2022 category Family | Parenting, Lifestyle Secrets

I’ve worked with many parents throughout the years and have noticed a common scenario plays out over and over. A child becomes emotionally dysregulated for a variety of reasons. Cue: temper tantrum, meltdown, etc. The parent gets caught up in that emotional spiral and becomes dysregulated too. They then make a choice based on dysregulated emotions instead of doing what they know to be the right decision for the greater good.

Often they are afraid of being the “bad dad” or the “bad mom”–or maybe they’re just feeling too exhausted to do anything but give in. But a parent who is grounded in reality instead of matching a dysregulated child emotion for emotion is being the “good dad” or “good mom.”

I get it. We don’t want to see our babies hurt or uncomfortable. No parent enjoys that. But we all know life does bring hurt and discomfort. It is our job as parents to teach and guide these young ones through hard things. How then do we parent a child who has become emotionally dysregulated without becoming emotionally dysregulated ourselves?

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We Cannot Have It All

by Sara Cloostermans on Apr 25, 2022 category Family | Parenting, Heartfulness | Mindfulness, Lifestyle Secrets, Thoughts, Feelings & Behaviors

As a society, we’ve created this narrative that if you dream big and work hard, you can have it all. Well, I’m about to pop that bubble. You cannot have it all. At least, not at the same time.

Here’s the truth: nobody can escape the fact that each of us only has 24 hours in the day.

We also can’t escape the need for sleep. I know our culture glorifies people who “get by” with four hours, but that mindset is killing us. Decades of research connect poor sleep with heart attack, heart failure, increased blood pressure, stroke, diabetes, lowered immune function, obesity, and accidents. Even if poor sleep doesn’t kill you, it wrecks mental health, relationships, and even productivity.

So 7-8 hours of sleep leaves us with 16-17 hours a day to work with. How shall we spend them? What can we do with the time that is left? We can do just about anything except for everything.

We only have so much emotional bandwidth, so much mental capacity, and so much physical energy. Guess what that means? You cannot do everything and be everything to everyone.

Anybody who sells you the idea that if you were just better at XYZ then you could do all of the things all of the time has no concept of what it means to be human. Knowing limits and setting boundaries around time is not laziness. It’s the only way to live a wholehearted and healthy life.

We must pick and choose. There are times we must sacrifice what we want (or often, what we think we should want) for what we want more. When we fail to do this, we run ourselves ragged, always on the “hamster wheel,” never taking care of ourselves, and not giving our best to others.

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