In the intricate web of human relationships, the bond between parents and children stands as one of the most profound and enduring connections. From the moment of birth, children seek contact, love, and acceptance from their parents, forming a foundation that shapes their identity and sense of self.
However, what happens if a child’s authentic self is not compatible with a parent’s idea of who their child should be? What happens if a child feels rejected although they behave in a way that feels natural and right to them? Well, if they must choose, they prefer attachment over authenticity because attachment, albeit insecure attachment, is needed for their survival. So, suppressing who they truly are becomes their second nature – not one child is going to prioritize authenticity and personal growth over attachment when their survival is at stake.
I call this phenomenon “soul-stealing,” a concept that delves into the notion that too many children get their souls stolen by their parents, in their quest for love and belonging, sacrificing their true selves to align with parental expectations and desires. In this process, they gradually lose touch with their genuine essence, stifling their uniqueness under the weight of external approval.
Of course, parents don’t mean to hurt their children – they are wounded adult children themselves transferring intergenerational pain and trauma. (Fortunately, it’s never to late to heal from childhood hurts. Inner work is always worth our time and effort; it can even prevent future addiction, and mental or physical illnesses.)
As children transition into adulthood, the repercussions of soul-stealing manifest in their romantic relationships. Fearing rejection or abandonment, they cloak their true selves, wearing masks of conformity to appease their partners. Over time, this façade breeds inner turmoil and resentment – they start blaming their partners for failing to see and embrace their authentic selves, even if they’ve never really shown their partners who they are, deep down.
To navigate this intricate terrain of attachment and authenticity, it is crucial for young adults embarking on romantic relationships to be cognizant of their parent-child attachment style. Understanding how their early bonding experiences have shaped their perception of love and acceptance can illuminate the root of their struggles in being true to themselves.
Being fully, authentically yourself in relationships requires courage and vulnerability. It entails revealing your true self without filters or pretense, allowing genuine connection and mutual growth to take place. Partners who accept each other unconditionally create relationships rooted in understanding, love, and respect. So, look for a partner who is able to listen and empathize, so you can confidently cross the vulnerability bridge and do your healing in a safe space with a safe person.
In the pursuit of genuine connection, it is paramount to heed the wisdom of Dr. Gabor Maté, who talks about the two human survival needs: attachment and authenticity, and the profound impact they have on childhood relationships, as well as on adult behavior and interpersonal dynamics. By delving into the depths of our past experiences and inner landscape, we can unravel the layers of early conditioning and reclaim our true essence.
Each day offers an opportunity for introspection and self-discovery. By turning inward, listening to our inner voice(s), and honoring our deepest needs and wants, we pave the path towards leading a more meaningful life. Remember, being true to ourselves is not just a gift to ourselves but also a beacon that attracts those who love us for who we truly are; build SAFE relationships with people who love you for who you are, not for who they want you to be.
By acknowledging the entwined relationship between parent-child attachment, authenticity, and adult romantic partnerships, you can embark on a journey of self-exploration and empowerment. Embrace your true self, cherish those who resonate with your soul essence, and dare to live a life authentically yours. You do you!