How many of us go through our days either oblivious to or expertly avoiding positive change we need to make for a more fulfilling and wholehearted life? At least most of us at some point, right?
Or how about this common story? We finally decide to pay attention and recognize our issues, but we get stuck. We need to lose weight, improve relationships, set boundaries, spend more time with the kids, go back to school, quit a substance, go to therapy. We’re full of good intentions right at the start. You get the at-home gym equipment, you pour the alcohol down the drain … and then … nothing … you’re back to where you started.
Why is successful and stable change hard?
Well, the good news is … it’s not just you.
To help you better understand why people can have a hard time being successful at making changes, I suggest you take a look at the “Stages of Change,” also referred to as “The Transtheoretical Model, or TTM. TTM was developed in the late 1970s by two psychologists, James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, when they were doing a study to help people quit smoking.
The Stages of Change show change is not a magic light switch that’s off one second and on the next. Effectively altering behavior is a process. We must go through each of these steps—sometimes returning to a previous stage and beginning again.
The Stages of Change
1. Precontemplation Stage
In this stage, the person in need of change is in complete denial and does not admit that their life choices create problems in the first place.
Example: “I don’t have a time management problem” or “There is no way I could manage my time any differently.”
2. Contemplation Stage
In this stage, the person has started to consider that there may be problem behaviors, but feels ambivalent because the costs of making a change seem to outweigh the benefits.
Example: “Perhaps my life would be better if I learned how to manage my time. But I don’t even have the extra time or energy available to make those changes or learn new systems.”
3. Preparation Stage
In this stage, the person may start gathering information about what it would take to make a change and maybe even implement a few small changes. Some people never make it past the first stage, the second stage, or the third stage.
Example: “To manage my time better, I’m going to buy this new planner. I will download an app to limit my social media scrolling and tell my boss I can no longer work late on Tuesdays.”
4. Action Stage
In this stage, the person actively works on accomplishing their goal. They are doing the things necessary to shift behavior.
Example: “I am actively planning out my days to avoid useless activity. I no longer spend two hours a day on social media. My Tuesday evenings are free for my family.”
5. Maintenance Stage
In this stage, the person has reached their goal and is now doing their best to keep stability and not fall back into old habits in order to avoid “relapse.”
Example: “I set aside time on Sunday evenings to go over my planner for the week ahead. I check social media once a day for 10 minutes. I put boundaries around my work projects, so I can come home early on Tuesday evenings.”
6. Relapse Stage
Relapse is actually quite common and, therefore, to be expected. The best approach after a relapse is to get back on the horse. Prepare for change again as soon as possible.
The good news is that, this time around, since you already conquered the first two stages and acquired several new coping skills before you relapsed, you can now immediately move to the preparation stage and start using your old and new skills again (the ones that were effective, anyways).
Example: “I forgot to go through my planner for two weeks, but will I start again this Sunday evening to get back on track. I got sucked into Instagram while I was sick over the weekend, but I am cutting back to one 10-minute check a day starting today. I overcommitted at work, but will work hard this week to finish the project, so my Tuesdays can be free again. Next time, I will know my limits better.”
Simply being aware of this cycle can help you identify where you often get stuck, so you can seek help to move forward. And that awareness and honesty requires us to drop our ego. Your inability to get past a certain stage may be because you’ve been going at it all alone.
It is often our ego that stands in the way of reaching out for help.
We believe that accepting help is showing weakness. So, even though we might be suffering, we continue to move on as if nothing is wrong, and we tell ourselves that by doing so, we are being strong.
Nothing could be further from the truth: by pretending that everything is fine, we make matters worse, not better.
We are stronger when we acknowledge our individual predispositions, limitations, and vulnerabilities. We are stronger when we accept that, at times, we face personal challenges too big to go it alone.
During times like these, it is important that we swallow our pride, and reach out to loved ones and professional experts who can guide us through our stages of change.
So, next time we are fortunate enough to notice something in our life that needs change—from something as small as regular flossing to as significant as overcoming an addiction—remember the natural cycle of change. Be curious. Figure out where you are now and which stage has been difficult for you in the past.
Then, with this newfound understanding, seek help and support. Just because learning how to make life changes is hard does not mean it’s impossible.
Here is a short video that I think fits perfectly, exemplifying how one man contemplates his problem, gathers information about what he can do about it, and takes action. I suggest that you watch the 2 minute clip from 5:15min. to 7:15 min. (Actors: Hannelore Manriquez and Andrew Keives)
Yield2Yin
- Healing Card Deck: A Therapist’s Advice 55-Card Healing Deck by Sara Cloostermans
- Book Recommendation: Wild by Cheryl Strayed
- Mantra: I AM CHANGE // repeat with diaphragmatic breathing
- Yin Yoga Asana: Caterpillar Pose
This page includes Amazon Associate affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission at no cost to you if you purchase a product I suggest. I only recommend products I believe in. Learn more HERE.
